Single

Damn... I'm single.

S - solo
I - independent
N - nieve
G - giddy
L - LOVING
E - extra lonely.

I'm torn on how to feel. Gn.

Diary of a lonely girl

What happens when u think that u have finally got everything u wanted right in ur hands and life is finally going as planned?

Thoughts.

Thoughts that u don't know or don't really have what u thought u did. Thoughts that someone else may be better. And what happens with those thoughts is they expound and begin building on something else.

Lies.

Lies are more powerful than thoughts bc they can shape and change ur thoughts at will. To believe that I believed in something and find that its a lie is hard. It brings me to a place of pain.

Pain.

Pain exists in a world where lies begin to mold your thoughts and friend become enemies and lovers become bitter exes. And life becomes confusing. Pain is the root of all problems. U begin to hate ur job and ur friends for no apparent reason besides that there are other issues in ur life that have got u so confused that u push away everything that in one sense makes sense and in another can't help. U begin a downward spiral into another life completely. All because of love.

Love.

Love is everything. Falling in love is where the problem comes in. I love hard. I love four ppl in the world that are outside of my family. By that I only mean true love. Love like I do my own family and my one day husband and children. I don't know many people who love four people that way. As four is a high number to be giving out that type of love to. However, four people have managed to truly capture my heart. To those four: u know who u are. The problem is that all four of u have my heart in a place that makes me want ur happiness at all times. Above my own or anyone else outside of u. And I would do anything to help u succeed and provide what I believe is best for u.
Now pain finds its way into my life due to a series of lies that created thoughts that make it impossible for me to produce u with the happiness u all deserve. I am aware of what may be best for u but in providing that service am I breaking someone else? And the person I am breaking happens to also be a person I love. And by not doing what I think is best for one to not hurt another, am i only hurting myself? Will I be incomplete either way? Will there ALWAYS be a hole that I'm trying to fill bc I couldn't make everyone happy. Or is it really all for me? Will the pain ever go away or is it forever mine? Will I ever break the tie between two souls that have no business being connected? Or am I losing a part of my soul if I cut those strings?
Truth is... I don't lie. I hardly feel. And thinking is beginning to hurt. I just want to be free. To be. Believe. Do. And hurt no one. But I'm afraid my heart is too involved with too many people to ever become uninvolved with thoughts of their happiness. What I fear... That because of this, I will never find happiness of my own. Maybe I have but am blinded bc I can't make u as happy as u always made me. U too. There I am again.

S(t)uck in love.