i love the sound of music. it soothes me in a way i cannot quite explain.
I wish i was high. I love it so much more when I am up there. But i quit so u dont think that will be happening soon.
when i think about my life and really reexamine all of the things i have been through, all the words that have been said, the things i thought i wanted vs the things i wanted... i laugh. it is an awesome feeling of being whole that comes to mind.
anyway... lost my vibe but most importantly...
ladybugs???
Thursday, December 30, 2010
hilarity
yesterday ur pissed bc we dont, today u have no desire to.
one day ur "obsessed", and the next night you dont even wanna talk.
i would rather die than live without u. but i wish i knew what emotion i was living for. everyday is something different. im going crazy. im so blessed. and still i dont know what to expect. like ive said time and time again.
I AM NEVER RIGHT. y didnt i wanna talk yesterday, y do i wanna talk today. i only have to be at work for us in 7 hrs and i still have to wake up n get ready so im lookin at bout 5 hrs of sleep bc i was such a bitch yesterday to u, i was like imma stay awake bc he always wants to talk. "well, im going to bed."
well... there i am...
WRONG. AGAIN.
i will never do the right thing. ever. so i guess i should get comfy here. i must say its cold but im already becoming numb from it... soon i wont feel it anymore. i will be just like her. always trying to measure up and never quite making it. defending her lover with every once of her bc shes so used to it, it almost seems right.
heres to the rest of our lives... may my numbness come quickly so my pain becomes minimal and my failures, dimmed.
all - nighter
i waited up all night... for...
nothing ever goes the way i plan. sweepy time.
man, what a week of things i dont care to know.
u just arent the same. not on that. i just want to go to sleep.
nothing ever goes the way i plan. sweepy time.
man, what a week of things i dont care to know.
u just arent the same. not on that. i just want to go to sleep.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
50
all i do is work.
and the funny thing is all u think i do is play - with everyone - but you (all i dream about is playing with you)
every moment of everyday im either talking about u, doing something for u, or thinking about u. but u think im always somewhere else.
--- ur not the only one in love... (at least thats what i tell myself)
til death do us part shouldnt mean u want to kill who i am.
tears that never stop falling. misery, come and join me. make urself at home.
the funny think is, its all for u. like you dont get paid for three weeks. u havent bought one single christmas present. you couldnt come see me. i came to you. bought every gift you needed. broke my fuckin back to hustle for us. and now im fussed at for doing it.
i am not good enough. ever. and i never will be. i am a giving person and you hate it. i love ppl and u want me to stop. then y did u choose me? ive been this way.
im so sad. i cry bc u really dont know its all for u. to be able to see u and do whatever we want. to be able to afford your christmas gifts. to be able to buy them for ur family. i have made a g in a week in a half. im doped up on vicodin, limping around, sleep deprived, and exhausted. yet...
im working too much, im buying too much for ronnie, im not done yet, im gonna become a pill head, i need to chill out but ur pissed bc i fall asleep (wth else can i do. im dead tired and try and wait up for u everynight), i dont sleep enough and when i fall asleep bc i cant take it anymore... i didnt charge my phone.
i will never me good enough. (note the "bottom" line.)
what about my heartache. u dont know what it feels like to have to sit down so i dont pass out bc of meds. and to have to smile and laugh in order to make a dollar to support my family when my man wants me around and do all of it just to see him and have money in our acct. and when i get there hes gone and "gone" and blaming it on contacts.
to put every other man aside and find the only one i want in my phone.
to love one man with all my heart and be accused of loving everyone else too much. what else can i do???? :'(
it doesnt matter what i do. it isnt going to be enough.
_________never enough_________
and the funny thing is all u think i do is play - with everyone - but you (all i dream about is playing with you)
every moment of everyday im either talking about u, doing something for u, or thinking about u. but u think im always somewhere else.
--- ur not the only one in love... (at least thats what i tell myself)
til death do us part shouldnt mean u want to kill who i am.
tears that never stop falling. misery, come and join me. make urself at home.
the funny think is, its all for u. like you dont get paid for three weeks. u havent bought one single christmas present. you couldnt come see me. i came to you. bought every gift you needed. broke my fuckin back to hustle for us. and now im fussed at for doing it.
i am not good enough. ever. and i never will be. i am a giving person and you hate it. i love ppl and u want me to stop. then y did u choose me? ive been this way.
im so sad. i cry bc u really dont know its all for u. to be able to see u and do whatever we want. to be able to afford your christmas gifts. to be able to buy them for ur family. i have made a g in a week in a half. im doped up on vicodin, limping around, sleep deprived, and exhausted. yet...
im working too much, im buying too much for ronnie, im not done yet, im gonna become a pill head, i need to chill out but ur pissed bc i fall asleep (wth else can i do. im dead tired and try and wait up for u everynight), i dont sleep enough and when i fall asleep bc i cant take it anymore... i didnt charge my phone.
i will never me good enough. (note the "bottom" line.)
what about my heartache. u dont know what it feels like to have to sit down so i dont pass out bc of meds. and to have to smile and laugh in order to make a dollar to support my family when my man wants me around and do all of it just to see him and have money in our acct. and when i get there hes gone and "gone" and blaming it on contacts.
to put every other man aside and find the only one i want in my phone.
to love one man with all my heart and be accused of loving everyone else too much. what else can i do???? :'(
it doesnt matter what i do. it isnt going to be enough.
_________never enough_________
Monday, December 6, 2010
u did it once so this is for you really.
Gentlemen First Today:
Matt: My "first" boyfriend. (and later became "first" of another kind) But I always felt so pressured to do things I wasnt ready for... He scared me a lot when I was young. I wasnt half as strong as I am now. I definitely didn't know what it meant to say no (something i am still getting used to) During that time, I started cursing a lot. I didnt know how to be a girlfriend or what was expected of me. But I know that one day I saw the boy that made me know it was ok to end things. He said well when you break up with that guy, you give me a call. I found a reason to call...
Andrew: " My First Love" My teenage love who I fell so hard for because he made me love God. He changed my life and made me feel like I knew what true love was. I left all my friends to be his friend and he wasnt the greatest boyfriend in the world to me. We broke up shortly after. We became best friends. After a series of ups and downs, we became great friends again and still are today. Love is laughable. It is a joke now but really did teach me a few good things. especially bros before hoes. or sisters before misters. I learned young that boys come and go but your real dawgs they stay around through it all. oh Andrew, how things have changed.
Michael: bwahahahaha... a date gone wrong. He was a sweet sweet guy he night we met. After a few months we exchanged words on each others walls... and then here comes the message. "Hey, I know thats just how people talk but I would appreciate it if you dont call my boyfriend baby." your who????? hahaha. one date gone all wrong. we went to see a movie i had already seen but thought was great. and i guess me already seeing it was a key indicator for him to think it was time to make out. i was in for a long night. i made it through. like i always do.
Mike: the back and forth that never went anywhere. I cant even remember if we kissed. maybe once. Maybe never. I know there where some homecomings and some proms in there. I know there were a few trips to B.R. and even a trip to Laffy. So random. lol. It ended jus like it started. Random as shit. Picked up quickly and dropped off quickly. But lasted years in between. goodbye Mike... hello, the boy that hooked us up...
Ronnie: Oh what I wouldnt have done to be your girlfriend in 7th grade... 10th grade and oh yeah sophomore year of college (when we actually dated) hahahaha. if you can call it that. We broke up 6 days later for reasons im not sure were real given the aftermath. It all started with a kiss halfway on a sofa and halfway on the floor. and a week of essentially no talking afterwards. Well 4 years later we were knee deep in shit and fucking up everything around us. We are now best friends and we fit much better there. We just arent the type of people that really should try and be together. I love everyone and trust everyone and he likes to be alone and trusts those who give him reason to trust. We fight a lot. and make up a lot. It causes a lot of problems. But there is one thing missing that is the most important of it all. I wont say love bc we care about each other and truly love each other ( who wouldnt after 11 years) anyways... we are missing... it. it just isnt there. and therefore we will never be bc we cannot create it. it just doesnt belong there. it goes to where it fits in. and its a "missphit" here. like that. ph. the levels are jus off. ha. so onto the next one... and after a few in betweens the one and only...
Terence: see "Man of my Dreams" blog...
The Dark Ages:
John: Many nights during this time ended in breakfast late night. I guess because of my drug and alcohol intake during this period... I was more likely to take home dessert from the restaurants I frequented. After a few hours, a doorbell rang, a brief talk on the couch and about 3 mins, he was gone and I was in bed wondering how much longer the Dark Ages would be around. Crying on a friends shoulder as a came down from a high to a lower low than I choose to remember. Not too many late night breakfasts after that. i lost my appetite. for breakfast anyway...
Joe: I got hungry for wings. And of course buffalo zoos. they are called that for a reason. they turned my life into exactly that. one day after the darkest day of my life I had one too many zoos and took how dessert from my second restaurant. This time it agreed with my stomach for a while until I had enough and it began to make it hurt again. There were two little raisins in the dessert... i dont eat raisins. esp one that need raising. And didnt want to find number three far behind. He was a great guy to talk to until he didnt realize that sex was an option not a job. And when he worked his way in... i lost my footing and fell farther from reality that i had ever been. my world crumbled and i needed to be saved from myself. I thought i had never cried like when i got left until he didnt hear me say no that day. and as i winced in pain, I prayed for something more...
Ryan?: couldnt be the guy that was more bc all he ever wanted was to let me know that he wanted me and bad. He called and text. He was persistent. I will give him that. he was very good at trying. But never to a satisfying end on his part. Always led to being stood up and lonely waiting. He brought me smiles in a time when I didnt too much remember them. Than there was that one time he came to my house... we didnt go to far but he met all my friends. he was so drunk. another man on the list of mistakes. another time i wish i could erase. man, i miss pink erasers... they worked so fuckin well. not bein in school leads to a lack of school supplies... no erasers... so ryan is a part of that past. But my past got even darker and only for a minute...
Ashton: what a mistake that was. It felt so right only for a millisecond when I knew I was alone and this was my chance to make someone feel that way too. and then who i am sank in... it still gives me chills literally. man, i cant even talk about this. It was the biggest mistake of my life i would love to be five again. that dreaded six took me to another level of life i never wanted to reach. Fuck five bring me back to three... the years of innocence. enough said. goodbye. forever. from our hearts too. we made it.
you again...
id do it all again... if it would bring me here with you.
oh oh...
Hello Ladies:
Chei Chei: bitch, lmao. We fought. We fussed. She got her ass beat. You took her home to meet ur family. I was so jealous. lol. it was the first big blow out we ever really had. It was also the first time I told you I loved you too. I knew it then and i still know it now.
Dominique (part one): whats in a kiss? nothing... so i forgave you.
Jessica: my real problem was in Jessica. She wasnt like a dominique or a chei chei. she caught ur heart. from the time u kissed dominique u told me something in you had to have sex with you and you really wanted that. but jessica... it was love. It scared me. I hated her. she wasnt good enough for u. she didnt even give me the right oil change. You talked about her like she was me. u used dominique to make her jealous. you wanted to take care of her and you did. she took care of you. you went places together and she came home with you. your whole family knew. she was ur best friend. that was the killer. i was supposed to be the only girl that you loved romantically that doubled as ur best friend. grrrr...
Dominique (part two): the infamous torturous months we spent "apart." lol. we spent together in hotel rooms and in ur house when she was out of town. The times we went on dates to the movies... it was probably the best our relationship had ever been when you think about it bc it gave us the spark we needed. That mystery. but it was also the worst and what lead to the terrible dark ages for both of us. and only being together really pulled us out. thank you to this because we sure as fuck wouldnt be where we are now. We needed to learn what it meant to appreciate each other. and this made that a real possibility,
Jasmyn: ol skank ass bitch. lmfao. I dont like this girl. she is dumb and ugly. lol. we know that this situation hit me below the waist... literally, making me uncomfortable about our intimacy. but she is a thing in the past and so is the reason she arrived. he is gone. sorry baby... but move on. hes got all the woman he needs here.
so to sum all this up, when i think about our pasts, some would say yall need to quit bc there is "too much water under the bridge" but the beauty of our relationship through it all proved them wrong. It was that water that taught us how to float during the Dark Ages and swim together now. We have been through literally hell and high water. note literal hell. and i would not change a thing bc i will walk through anything, over anyone just to get to you. and these were just timy obstacles in the way of our dreams. i cant say it any better than this so imma let them say it.
God led me back to you. Remember that there is a past for a reason. but I have only chosen you for my future. No one will change that. :) I love you.
Matt: My "first" boyfriend. (and later became "first" of another kind) But I always felt so pressured to do things I wasnt ready for... He scared me a lot when I was young. I wasnt half as strong as I am now. I definitely didn't know what it meant to say no (something i am still getting used to) During that time, I started cursing a lot. I didnt know how to be a girlfriend or what was expected of me. But I know that one day I saw the boy that made me know it was ok to end things. He said well when you break up with that guy, you give me a call. I found a reason to call...
Andrew: " My First Love" My teenage love who I fell so hard for because he made me love God. He changed my life and made me feel like I knew what true love was. I left all my friends to be his friend and he wasnt the greatest boyfriend in the world to me. We broke up shortly after. We became best friends. After a series of ups and downs, we became great friends again and still are today. Love is laughable. It is a joke now but really did teach me a few good things. especially bros before hoes. or sisters before misters. I learned young that boys come and go but your real dawgs they stay around through it all. oh Andrew, how things have changed.
Michael: bwahahahaha... a date gone wrong. He was a sweet sweet guy he night we met. After a few months we exchanged words on each others walls... and then here comes the message. "Hey, I know thats just how people talk but I would appreciate it if you dont call my boyfriend baby." your who????? hahaha. one date gone all wrong. we went to see a movie i had already seen but thought was great. and i guess me already seeing it was a key indicator for him to think it was time to make out. i was in for a long night. i made it through. like i always do.
Mike: the back and forth that never went anywhere. I cant even remember if we kissed. maybe once. Maybe never. I know there where some homecomings and some proms in there. I know there were a few trips to B.R. and even a trip to Laffy. So random. lol. It ended jus like it started. Random as shit. Picked up quickly and dropped off quickly. But lasted years in between. goodbye Mike... hello, the boy that hooked us up...
Ronnie: Oh what I wouldnt have done to be your girlfriend in 7th grade... 10th grade and oh yeah sophomore year of college (when we actually dated) hahahaha. if you can call it that. We broke up 6 days later for reasons im not sure were real given the aftermath. It all started with a kiss halfway on a sofa and halfway on the floor. and a week of essentially no talking afterwards. Well 4 years later we were knee deep in shit and fucking up everything around us. We are now best friends and we fit much better there. We just arent the type of people that really should try and be together. I love everyone and trust everyone and he likes to be alone and trusts those who give him reason to trust. We fight a lot. and make up a lot. It causes a lot of problems. But there is one thing missing that is the most important of it all. I wont say love bc we care about each other and truly love each other ( who wouldnt after 11 years) anyways... we are missing... it. it just isnt there. and therefore we will never be bc we cannot create it. it just doesnt belong there. it goes to where it fits in. and its a "missphit" here. like that. ph. the levels are jus off. ha. so onto the next one... and after a few in betweens the one and only...
Terence: see "Man of my Dreams" blog...
The Dark Ages:
John: Many nights during this time ended in breakfast late night. I guess because of my drug and alcohol intake during this period... I was more likely to take home dessert from the restaurants I frequented. After a few hours, a doorbell rang, a brief talk on the couch and about 3 mins, he was gone and I was in bed wondering how much longer the Dark Ages would be around. Crying on a friends shoulder as a came down from a high to a lower low than I choose to remember. Not too many late night breakfasts after that. i lost my appetite. for breakfast anyway...
Joe: I got hungry for wings. And of course buffalo zoos. they are called that for a reason. they turned my life into exactly that. one day after the darkest day of my life I had one too many zoos and took how dessert from my second restaurant. This time it agreed with my stomach for a while until I had enough and it began to make it hurt again. There were two little raisins in the dessert... i dont eat raisins. esp one that need raising. And didnt want to find number three far behind. He was a great guy to talk to until he didnt realize that sex was an option not a job. And when he worked his way in... i lost my footing and fell farther from reality that i had ever been. my world crumbled and i needed to be saved from myself. I thought i had never cried like when i got left until he didnt hear me say no that day. and as i winced in pain, I prayed for something more...
Ryan?: couldnt be the guy that was more bc all he ever wanted was to let me know that he wanted me and bad. He called and text. He was persistent. I will give him that. he was very good at trying. But never to a satisfying end on his part. Always led to being stood up and lonely waiting. He brought me smiles in a time when I didnt too much remember them. Than there was that one time he came to my house... we didnt go to far but he met all my friends. he was so drunk. another man on the list of mistakes. another time i wish i could erase. man, i miss pink erasers... they worked so fuckin well. not bein in school leads to a lack of school supplies... no erasers... so ryan is a part of that past. But my past got even darker and only for a minute...
Ashton: what a mistake that was. It felt so right only for a millisecond when I knew I was alone and this was my chance to make someone feel that way too. and then who i am sank in... it still gives me chills literally. man, i cant even talk about this. It was the biggest mistake of my life i would love to be five again. that dreaded six took me to another level of life i never wanted to reach. Fuck five bring me back to three... the years of innocence. enough said. goodbye. forever. from our hearts too. we made it.
you again...
id do it all again... if it would bring me here with you.
oh oh...
Hello Ladies:
Chei Chei: bitch, lmao. We fought. We fussed. She got her ass beat. You took her home to meet ur family. I was so jealous. lol. it was the first big blow out we ever really had. It was also the first time I told you I loved you too. I knew it then and i still know it now.
Dominique (part one): whats in a kiss? nothing... so i forgave you.
Jessica: my real problem was in Jessica. She wasnt like a dominique or a chei chei. she caught ur heart. from the time u kissed dominique u told me something in you had to have sex with you and you really wanted that. but jessica... it was love. It scared me. I hated her. she wasnt good enough for u. she didnt even give me the right oil change. You talked about her like she was me. u used dominique to make her jealous. you wanted to take care of her and you did. she took care of you. you went places together and she came home with you. your whole family knew. she was ur best friend. that was the killer. i was supposed to be the only girl that you loved romantically that doubled as ur best friend. grrrr...
Dominique (part two): the infamous torturous months we spent "apart." lol. we spent together in hotel rooms and in ur house when she was out of town. The times we went on dates to the movies... it was probably the best our relationship had ever been when you think about it bc it gave us the spark we needed. That mystery. but it was also the worst and what lead to the terrible dark ages for both of us. and only being together really pulled us out. thank you to this because we sure as fuck wouldnt be where we are now. We needed to learn what it meant to appreciate each other. and this made that a real possibility,
Jasmyn: ol skank ass bitch. lmfao. I dont like this girl. she is dumb and ugly. lol. we know that this situation hit me below the waist... literally, making me uncomfortable about our intimacy. but she is a thing in the past and so is the reason she arrived. he is gone. sorry baby... but move on. hes got all the woman he needs here.
so to sum all this up, when i think about our pasts, some would say yall need to quit bc there is "too much water under the bridge" but the beauty of our relationship through it all proved them wrong. It was that water that taught us how to float during the Dark Ages and swim together now. We have been through literally hell and high water. note literal hell. and i would not change a thing bc i will walk through anything, over anyone just to get to you. and these were just timy obstacles in the way of our dreams. i cant say it any better than this so imma let them say it.
God led me back to you. Remember that there is a past for a reason. but I have only chosen you for my future. No one will change that. :) I love you.
Diary?
People say the darndest things... dont you think that if you didnt want people to see it you would write it in your diary... just saying.
speaking of diaries...
im losing weight. faster than i expected. I am excited. and nervous.
my grannies dying. :( thats never good.
Im afraid about not going back to school.
Im never afraid. haha. I have truly become fearless. does that make me a liar?
I dont lie. to you. ever. :)
Im working alot but I am beginning to like my job thanks to God.
I am losing my jealous tendencies.
I am very happy with my life right now.
truthfully, i changed my life around... i did what i had to do in order to be happy.
Thank you.
speaking of diaries...
im losing weight. faster than i expected. I am excited. and nervous.
my grannies dying. :( thats never good.
Im afraid about not going back to school.
Im never afraid. haha. I have truly become fearless. does that make me a liar?
I dont lie. to you. ever. :)
Im working alot but I am beginning to like my job thanks to God.
I am losing my jealous tendencies.
I am very happy with my life right now.
truthfully, i changed my life around... i did what i had to do in order to be happy.
Thank you.
Man of my Dreams
I feel like a lot of people in life expect you to settle for less than what you dreamed of as a child. I think most people go for what works ok or the best of the worst. I often think if there is the possibility of everyone in the world actually being happy. No one settling but instead searching for the right man/woman and falling in love and fighting for it to work through all ends. I cannot vouch for the rest of the world but I know I am happy. I was thinking the other day about the man that I would have dreamt about… the man I wanted to be my husband, the father of my kids, and my best friend for the rest of my life. I would want him to be funny, caring, compassionate, loving, intense, dedicated, loyal, smart, strong, have the qualities that my own father has. I always knew that I would marry a man that was just like my own pop… as he is my hero and my love. I have grown close to my dad in a way most young boys and girls can only dream of. He is my best friend and when my own children grow up, I want them to be able to say the same thing. I am sure they will be able to do that now. It is amazing that I have met you. You are the man of my dreams. People all around me have been saying you cant have it all so u go for what is the most. But you are my everything. You fill me where I am empty. The parts of me that im too scared no one will want… u not only love them, you make me want to show everyone. You love me so different than anyone I have ever met. Well this is to you…
The other night whenever you told me that you wanted to be engaged by next year, I wanted nothing more than to say yes right then. I am so anxious about being your wife my eyes are welling up with tears. You will be the best husband. No matter what you still love me. And I hope I have made it clear to you that no matter what I will still love you. You are not 60% of the man I want and I have learned to love the other 40%. You are not 90% of the man of my dreams and im dealing with the other 10%. You are everything 100% of the man God has created for me… and I thank you for finding me.
Once during the dark ages, I read u wrote on a napkin… “what do you love about me” the response was your smile and everything about you. How can you love “everything” about someone you don’t fully know? I love you for watching anime. I love you for trying to take me to a gaming store on a date. I love you for holding me when you know I need to be held even when I pretend to be strong. I love you for asking whats wrong when im smiling bc you know inside something has made me sad. I love you for being different. I love you so much for that. I love that you don’t know what day it is sometimes. I love ur look of confusion when I go to fast. I love that when everyone around u loves the raiders, u love the saints. And while they bump drake and wayne, u bump cudi. I love that smoking was easily for recreation for me. I love that you are so hopeful even when you don’t realize it. Your favorite sentence is “I got you bae.” I love that you have always got me. I love that you are becoming more trusting even though you think I don’t notice. I love your eyes and I love how intense they are when they look at me. I love your intensity… too much to express. Your intensity behind your writing, your drawings, but most of all your love for me. It is never too much. It is what keeps me warm when the world is cold. Thank you. So Much. I love the thought of you looking at me when I wake up. It never fails that when I open my eyes yours are looking at me smiling. I love that smile… its so big and happy. You have a smile that makes my troubles melt. Like you really know that it is going to be ok when you smile. Like whatever made u that happy is bigger than every issue. I love that everytime I pick up ur phone, I see myself in the background. I love when you smack my thighs and tell me how sexy I am. I love the idea of waking up with you. FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
I don’t know what you are getting my for Christmas but being back with you for 6 months and knowing that my love for u only grows stronger by the day is enough of a gift for me to live off of. I love you for supporting me even when I see that I haven’t given you every reason. You know me better than I know myself. But most importantly, thank you for being yourself with me. Because after peeling back layers and layers of damage from you and your life… I found the most precious diamond. One I will hold onto forever. Thank you baby for being comfortable and letting me love you for who you are… the man of my dreams.
Friday, November 19, 2010
love in the most perfect form...
My love for you has developed into a creative artistic poet like Shakespeare, my words could paint you a dimensional picture with the perfect written scripture to capture the most passionate and romantic mixture of love & lust just to tell you how sweet your lips were.
You have a certain je ne sais quoi that I find indefinable. I try to find a concept way of explaining in great detail of how your indescribable beauty can possibly be described but it really remains impossible to be defined.
Is it wrong to be inspired by an artist I turn to when I receive so much passiveness? Who has helped me out of all the badness and harshness that covers reality in its most secretly darkest form, when everything is wrong I can always relate to a specific song. Maybe I'm just in desperate need of new headphones.. its been too long.
I can't even speak when I cry, so how can anybody read the signs when their completely blind? My whole disguise is pretty much a lie, my inner side knows im not fine. My inner beauty outshines my ugly on the outside. I wear a reflected smile to hide my sadness deep down inside. I'm just trying to open your eyes and guide you inside my mind but I'm too scared to let you know what you may find. A man who doesn't even know how to be a guy..
You are the happiness I needed to find, you are the only person I can see by my side in time.. so will you be mine?
I've allowed you to enter my zone to dig me out of this hole when I was feeling so alone. When my emotions froze, my whole body felt cold but you wrapped your love around my heart to keep me warm. Now I feel reborn.. You gave my life purpose when I felt completely worthless. I just really hope I still have my way with words when I see you in person. I know I'm going to be feeling more than nervous. Your beauty alone is enough to keep me wordless..
I can admire from afar because your eyes sparkle like the stars. I will always see the kindness in the colour of your iris even when they're speaking in complete silence. The colour of your eyes is the colours of another galaxy from another dimensionality they tell me you will never let me fall, with or without gravity. Your pupils from out of space are enough to lure me in like a black hole and get me lost inside your face. You're not like any other girl I've known.. you have to be from another world in a different time zone. It's so surreal the way you make me feel.. I find it so hard to believe that you're actually real.
I don't know whether or not im more womanly or manly when I approach you romantically. I just know I desperately need the woman of my fantasy. Therefore isn't it time to turn my dreams into reality?
I have no knowledge of how my body is progressing from day to day but I know the feelings I have for you will always remain. I want to be the security to all of your uncertainty for eternity.
Love isn't enough of an emotion to capture the true meaning to the way I'm feeling.. if only you could feel the way I'm feeling.
I thought it would be hard to open up your heart after being left broken hearted in the past.. but you see the me people don't see behind the mask.
Only thing that is hurting is my wrist. (not really but you know i have that problem) But I am making sure you know I have put all of my heart in this! I'm thinking of holding your hips dancing under the stars in the late night mist completely lost in the deepest abyss of your love waiting for our lips to hint you're my future miss in an instant with just one kiss. I want to be so close to your face I can smell how sweet your lips taste. I can only anticipate.. until then I just wait.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Sunshine in the Darkest of Places.
The truth is I dont think that this will ever happen again. And I have truly come to a point in my life when I finally realized that what happened has happened and what we are is all about our beautiful future. My heart longs for you in ways i do not understand. Like i told you before... I do not even care to know anymore bc i know that where we are and where we are going our wicked past cannot affect our beautiful present and future. there have been many blogs and talks like this one but something about this is different.
Truthfully, its in everything. its in the way we touch now. every single touch is a caress. in the way me have sex. never really fucking anymore but always making love. its in the way u look at me and how we cant get enough. its in ur anger when im busy. its in ur sadness when we have to say goodbye. it is in the kiss you give me in the morning when i cant remember my dreams but i remember the sweetest kiss when I wake up. Its about not having a phone for two days and not caring. Its about three games of putt putt and half a hot dog. most of all, its in the sun, the moon, and the stars. they all turn and no matter how many times the day comes in and goes out, no matter how many times i look up at a starry sky, no matter how many times i look to the man in the moon... i know one thing for sure... it will keep moving. and i know that no matter what time of day it is or what part of the day it is or how many days go by... i know that my love for you will never end just as long as the days never stop. and even when they do... my love for u will continue. It was a gift. It is the most beautiful gift I have ever received.
I do not think it is possible to say to you how i feel. I have tried many times, but i never felt so bonded with anyone as i do when u just wink at me. I know i hardly spoke today when you did this but when we were playing and you just put ur hat on me. it just felt so good. I am not only your girl, i am your woman. When we made our bucket list, the only thing i really wanted to write was to live in a world that guarantees that at the end of every night, i am in your arms.
you bring me the sweetest joy. one i cannot even explain or begin to comprehend. my world is yours. n it doesnt seem complete on days when I dont get to share it with you. there is one thing I know. U are my sunshine. It is so much more than being the other half of you. Its about rising to you in the morning. about the first thought in my head is thanking God for ur existence and praising Him for letting is make it through times i didnt know that we would. Its about the times my sky is gray. I am broken, broke, lost, and unsure about everything that matters... and ur voice brings those beautiful rays. I know it just seemed so simple to you. it is my light in a world that was swallowed by darkness. when all i could do was cry, u brought me peace. you are my happiness and my sun.
I know this is long as shit but this trip was amazing. Literally accounting for some of the best days of my whole life. A make up weekend that overflowed with love. Nothing and no one will ever take you from me. I would rather go blind... than to watch you walk away from me. I love you.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Life as I knew it.
I thought when i sat down I would just know what to say or how to explain how i feel. I do not know why this dark past follows me or why I allow it to upset me so much. Like fuck man, of all places. And i hate that i get so mad at him. Like it was a dumb mistake in our pasts. But why the fuck cant that huge mistake just leave us alone.
Oh well, why break routines bc of new friends. I will still visit kimmy and I will still enjoy my life. The real question is will i do it alone or with somebody.
I have not known heartbreak like last night in 4 months. I had finally found peace in something.In him. And Him. I woke up with a feeling of complete misery. Nothing felt right. Maybe I should make the decision to never let anyone have that power over me to make me feel that way. Maybe I should just not love anymore. Giving all of yourself to someone can be the most rewarding feeling. It can make everything worth it. Make you feel like the bullshit in the past was just to bring you here... together and closer than ever. make being raped, stalked, hated all ok for the cause.
but...
what if you are the only one fighting for the cause. What if the cause you are fighting for is corrupt. What if someones sweet pussy just happens to be better. God, i have devoted myself to u on and off - without ever falling completely off - for years. I have come to you many times in thanks for this same man. I am asking you now to help me do what is best for everyone involved. I do not know how to feel anything. I woke up numb. I will go to sleep numb. I have no desire to eat or frankly breathe right now. I have a headache from beating myself in the head. I need help. Help that only you can provide for me. I was looking to the wrong person to hold me up. I was looking to a mere HUMAN with HUMAN weakness and HUMAN emotions. I love like something unknown. never leaking the secrets of passion to any other person. They were ours. I am dead. But the the thing that sucks more than everything else. is that i know in my mind im wrong. but i would rather be dead with him than alive without him. just kill me.
Oh well, why break routines bc of new friends. I will still visit kimmy and I will still enjoy my life. The real question is will i do it alone or with somebody.
I have not known heartbreak like last night in 4 months. I had finally found peace in something.In him. And Him. I woke up with a feeling of complete misery. Nothing felt right. Maybe I should make the decision to never let anyone have that power over me to make me feel that way. Maybe I should just not love anymore. Giving all of yourself to someone can be the most rewarding feeling. It can make everything worth it. Make you feel like the bullshit in the past was just to bring you here... together and closer than ever. make being raped, stalked, hated all ok for the cause.
but...
what if you are the only one fighting for the cause. What if the cause you are fighting for is corrupt. What if someones sweet pussy just happens to be better. God, i have devoted myself to u on and off - without ever falling completely off - for years. I have come to you many times in thanks for this same man. I am asking you now to help me do what is best for everyone involved. I do not know how to feel anything. I woke up numb. I will go to sleep numb. I have no desire to eat or frankly breathe right now. I have a headache from beating myself in the head. I need help. Help that only you can provide for me. I was looking to the wrong person to hold me up. I was looking to a mere HUMAN with HUMAN weakness and HUMAN emotions. I love like something unknown. never leaking the secrets of passion to any other person. They were ours. I am dead. But the the thing that sucks more than everything else. is that i know in my mind im wrong. but i would rather be dead with him than alive without him. just kill me.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
missing you.
I really thought that these two weeks would be easier. But i was wrong. They are almost worse bc I have such strong memories of just a few days ago when we were together. I wish I was there with you. I wish we were drinking and gambling and holding hands. And i wish when i leaned back my body didnt find a chair back but instead your body. and then you would look down at me and we would kiss. Like always. Im glad you have music. I dont even have that. I miss you. too much. I cant wait til you move to new orleans and we get to restart our life together in our own place. I am so happy with you.
I have been so aggravated lately with all the bullshit that has been going on. and i have held my tongue. and today i decided i wouldnt anymore... and then, i thought about you. I thought about how your mom looked at me when she had a talk with me in the kitchen. I thought about how she kissed me on my cheek and asked me seriously, "do you want to be my daughter?" Why would I fuck something like that up? over shit that doesnt matter. I just thank God that he allowed us both to be strong enough to get back here through all the bullshit. It wasnt exactly the easiest of roads. But I was not innocent completely either. My heart is... completely invested in you now. and i realize now that we needed something to break us just to know that now, now we will never be broken again.
You are my man, my fiance, my husband to be. I cannot wait until I am walking down the aisle and i see u smiling that beautiful smile at the end. and eventually we have babies and raise a beautiful family. you have no idea how much i think about how far you have come. i want you to kno i think about these things every single day:
- you are sober. by choice. that is absoltely amazing. you didnt quit for me. you quit for you to be a better man for me. your cravings have almost completely disappeared. I am so proud of you.
-you got a raise in a freaking week. lol. you are the hardest worker. you have not skipped days to do things you have no business doing. even if we havent talked all day, you get off the phone at 930 to be well rested for work. I am so proud of you.
-you love me more than you ever have in the past. I cannot wait til you come in town. I love you so much. and i thrive off of the love you show me. it is my fuel to keep going. thank you baby.
the point is. i miss u. and thank you. for everything.
truthfully, if we never went through that wicked past, i would have never talked john, joe, or the other persoon i came into cahoots with (ewwww). and who knows... where i was when we broke up. i was not even who i am now so maybe it was completely necessary. or maybe i would have gone crazy and hurt you even more than I did already. I hope im wrong but the truth is... whatever the reason, im glad it all happened bc it all led me back to u. one last thought on this note, what if joe hadnt forced himself on me. I wouldve never called. all things pointed back to u. always have and always will. you will always be my protector. and i cant wait until u are the protector for not only me, but for our family.
I have been so aggravated lately with all the bullshit that has been going on. and i have held my tongue. and today i decided i wouldnt anymore... and then, i thought about you. I thought about how your mom looked at me when she had a talk with me in the kitchen. I thought about how she kissed me on my cheek and asked me seriously, "do you want to be my daughter?" Why would I fuck something like that up? over shit that doesnt matter. I just thank God that he allowed us both to be strong enough to get back here through all the bullshit. It wasnt exactly the easiest of roads. But I was not innocent completely either. My heart is... completely invested in you now. and i realize now that we needed something to break us just to know that now, now we will never be broken again.
You are my man, my fiance, my husband to be. I cannot wait until I am walking down the aisle and i see u smiling that beautiful smile at the end. and eventually we have babies and raise a beautiful family. you have no idea how much i think about how far you have come. i want you to kno i think about these things every single day:
- you are sober. by choice. that is absoltely amazing. you didnt quit for me. you quit for you to be a better man for me. your cravings have almost completely disappeared. I am so proud of you.
-you got a raise in a freaking week. lol. you are the hardest worker. you have not skipped days to do things you have no business doing. even if we havent talked all day, you get off the phone at 930 to be well rested for work. I am so proud of you.
-you love me more than you ever have in the past. I cannot wait til you come in town. I love you so much. and i thrive off of the love you show me. it is my fuel to keep going. thank you baby.
the point is. i miss u. and thank you. for everything.
truthfully, if we never went through that wicked past, i would have never talked john, joe, or the other persoon i came into cahoots with (ewwww). and who knows... where i was when we broke up. i was not even who i am now so maybe it was completely necessary. or maybe i would have gone crazy and hurt you even more than I did already. I hope im wrong but the truth is... whatever the reason, im glad it all happened bc it all led me back to u. one last thought on this note, what if joe hadnt forced himself on me. I wouldve never called. all things pointed back to u. always have and always will. you will always be my protector. and i cant wait until u are the protector for not only me, but for our family.
Monday, October 4, 2010
ahhhhhh...
written before i left...
I am so overwhelmed with excitement about tomorrow. I have really grown to understand more even how i feel more in this last week.
God, you have blessed me with the most beautiful patience this week. I didnt think that it was possible to come into myself even more than I already had. I am at peace again. I have ost a lil weight and realize im just in the beginning. I have allowed myself to really come to u in a way I need to in order to get through the problems I am going through. I hate this stuff with my sister.
I am so overwhelmed with excitement about tomorrow. I have really grown to understand more even how i feel more in this last week.
God, you have blessed me with the most beautiful patience this week. I didnt think that it was possible to come into myself even more than I already had. I am at peace again. I have ost a lil weight and realize im just in the beginning. I have allowed myself to really come to u in a way I need to in order to get through the problems I am going through. I hate this stuff with my sister.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
week... end
im in a weird place. anger has seeped into me. i hurt u. im sorry. I want to talk to you so bad and have ur voice lull me to sleep. Im going to sleep in the exact position as if we were sleeping together. while u dream, u will feel me.
bad week; horrible weekend; great night... or morning.
i wish u were here to share with me. i wish u were here to fight with me. i wish u were here to hold me. i wish u were here. i hate this. but i love u and our future more.
misery - heres to u. for being the storm b4 the rainbow. the darkness b4 the light. the cloud b4 sunshining days. not even u, sir, will stand in our way. nice try.
bad week; horrible weekend; great night... or morning.
i wish u were here to share with me. i wish u were here to fight with me. i wish u were here to hold me. i wish u were here. i hate this. but i love u and our future more.
misery - heres to u. for being the storm b4 the rainbow. the darkness b4 the light. the cloud b4 sunshining days. not even u, sir, will stand in our way. nice try.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
You dont know my name...
my tummy hurts - probably bc im starving myself - i didnt know. I really didnt. I have nigtmares about the pain she caused me. and just to have realized it was her name has made me qweezy to say the least. and he doesnt understand. he never does about this. all he says is sorry. well your sorry got us back but unfortunately my memory is not erased. and that pain is terrible. I wish someone could know. I lost every friend I had bc I was just too depressed to function. And all that to be misunderstood. Damn bruh... whats in a name?... clearly enough to make me wish I was anywhere but there at that moment.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Friday, September 10, 2010
sailing away for what seems like forever
There are honestly a million things i want to blog about. Things I have been wanting to say and things i simply wanted to celebrate (like that fact that we are together and happy and everyone knows including my parents). I wanted to write about lost friends and how sometimes you lose what is unimportant to the time that you are in right now. If they are no longer helping you to progress, maybe its a gift that they are gone. I wanted to write about finally seeing the twilight movies and my take on them vs twilight nations. I wanted to write about the joys of being home and my plans now that im finally here. I wanted to write about art and my room and kitchen. I wanted to write about the Saints. But i have never made time in my busy/notsobusy schedule. Well now i will make the time to say what i am beginning to realize is the only thing that matters.
I love you. More than I can find words to describe. I love the way you look at me all day long and I notice but wont turn bc I dont want you to turn away. I love the way you kiss all over my body even when you dont want to make love. I love that when you are away from me you go insane (as much as i need you not to) i still love that reaction. i love that we play games together now. I love that you love my friends again. I love that you are a part of my bigger picture. the biggest part of my forever. i love u. i dont know how to say it to make those words make sense in the way that i mean them. there is no word, no action, no look of admiration, no kiss with ur scruffy but still cute mustache, no love making, no hand holding, no desperation when separated that will explain the intensity of those three words but I hope one day God will bless you with that understanding in its depth.
As i sail away for what seem like forever, remember our past the good and the bad and let us both learn from it so we never do it again. try to move past those bad relationships in my life that I still love. I want you to be the man I love and more when I come back. I never want to think that while I am gone I should worry about u. I know you will be strong and I know that this time I am more confident than last time... that no broad no matter what she looks like, thinks like, or is interested in will ever come between us again. 7 days is a long time with no communication. I will count down the days til I am in ur arms again. I love u.
p.s. although ur blog was rude and insensitive and definitely overstepped ur boundaries... i want you to know something. You are my best friend. Always have been. and always will be. You are that and more. You are my heart. You are half of me. Loving you is what keeps me grounded. Loving you is what makes me, me.
I love you. More than I can find words to describe. I love the way you look at me all day long and I notice but wont turn bc I dont want you to turn away. I love the way you kiss all over my body even when you dont want to make love. I love that when you are away from me you go insane (as much as i need you not to) i still love that reaction. i love that we play games together now. I love that you love my friends again. I love that you are a part of my bigger picture. the biggest part of my forever. i love u. i dont know how to say it to make those words make sense in the way that i mean them. there is no word, no action, no look of admiration, no kiss with ur scruffy but still cute mustache, no love making, no hand holding, no desperation when separated that will explain the intensity of those three words but I hope one day God will bless you with that understanding in its depth.
As i sail away for what seem like forever, remember our past the good and the bad and let us both learn from it so we never do it again. try to move past those bad relationships in my life that I still love. I want you to be the man I love and more when I come back. I never want to think that while I am gone I should worry about u. I know you will be strong and I know that this time I am more confident than last time... that no broad no matter what she looks like, thinks like, or is interested in will ever come between us again. 7 days is a long time with no communication. I will count down the days til I am in ur arms again. I love u.
p.s. although ur blog was rude and insensitive and definitely overstepped ur boundaries... i want you to know something. You are my best friend. Always have been. and always will be. You are that and more. You are my heart. You are half of me. Loving you is what keeps me grounded. Loving you is what makes me, me.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Black and White (and Red ALL OVER)
Not much to talk about... just not understanding a few things. Why are people still racist? And why has it been me that has to be the butt of all the jokes. Fuckin people man. No one understands. If u rid me of my skin... I will have the same things as u. I am sorry I am darker than you but I am not above u or below u... I am ur equal. I am happy to have coworkers who really stepped up to bat for me. From delivering desserts and closing out tickets to holding my close while I needed to cry. EVen racist coworkers let me know I was amazing and I shouldnt allow ppl to bring me down. And thank God for amazing bosses that I will miss dearly who will do anything to make me happy and keep me smiling. I have truly learned through this experience that maybe I hate my customers and even coworkers sometimes. But that is my home away from home. Applebees literally saved my life when I attepted to kill myself. Who knows who would have found me. Thank you God for allowing my coworkers to help me see the beauty in even the shittiest of situations. And thanks again for management who have become some of my closest friends. Not many people are that blessed.
Monday, August 2, 2010
so bruh...
I guess if it still feels good even when all thats said is true.
Only 1 thing can be said.
Im in love.
Only 1 thing can be said.
Im in love.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Let's "Settle" Down
So... this is my last thought of the night. But it has been on my mind forever. People crack me up. They think that if they have the essentials then they have reached some sort of "success."
I did not graduate on time
I do not have a career
I do not have a fabulous car
I do not have a million dollars
I do not have the perfect body
I am not the most beautiful girl to walk the Earth
I am not talented in any way.
I am not a certified genius
And I do not know where I will end up.
But...
I do know the final career path I have chosen will get me the job I want when I get out of school.
I have a job that is frustrating but I genuinely love.
I have a beautiful little car full of character that gets me to and from any destination I want to go from New Orleans to New York.
I do have enough money to have a good life. I may not always know how I am going to pay a bill... its hard being an adult... but I have taught myself more recently that I have what matters. I am going to get everything I want even if it takes a little while.
I have a beauiful body that I am comfortable in. I know girls that are gorgeous with coke bottle shapes and only see fat when they look in the mirror. You wont ever hear me say Im not fat... but you will know that I know I look good when I walk in anywhere.
And the same goes for beauty. I have heard ppl say why is fat she is ugly but I have heard waaaay more that I am so beautiful and honestly if i never heard it... I would know bc I look at myself in the mirror nothing says that my face is beautiful.
So maybe i cant sing, dance, write, draw, lick my elbow, or any other crazy talent... but I am so good at being a loyal friend. The only friends I really lose are the ones that stab me in the back. If I say I will stand by you... I will be there until you die. I love harder than anyone I met and not because I want people to love me back because I love some people who hate me. I dream every night of an old friend that I love so much it brings me to tears but it is over because of false rumors and sad realities. I will miss him forever. Bc I have learned to accept somethings. If i fought for everything and everyone I missed... I would die early from an excess of battle scars.
I know a boy who everytime he said anything he mentioned he was a genius. I also know a lot of people since I always went to "smart" schools... that are smarter than the average person and wont let anyone forget. Over use of big words when they are unnecessary... just to appear to be better than someone else. Im sure pointing out how amazing you are will get tiring eventually. Well it most def will if you ever wanna find someone to love. and he did... I hope. Well as for me... I have never had a problem in school. I have always done what I needed to be where I want to be and I have never felt the need to ask someone who got a lower test grade than me what they got so I can say I scored higher. I have always lived content with what I did without a comparison... unless it was in Logic bc I had to kno in order to help. lol.
And most importantly, no I dont have a five year plan and I cant thing of 20 get rich quick schemes... but I know who I am going with. I know who I will call every step of the way. I know that in the end, I will have my family and my best friends and my love at my side whether it be in Africa or in Alabama. I know that I love the people that I have chosen to love for a reason. And I know that I may not be as good as some of my friends who all graduated on time. But I know I am doing the same thing as them right now. I am working a dead end job just like they are. But I have not settled at any point. I have not settled for a JOEsmoe. I have fought for the man I loved. I have become friends with the most amazing people and finally stopped holding on so tightly to people who never had my best interests at heart. I did not settle for SHC and I did not allow my best friend to settle for LSU. I would have given the world for her then and would still now. I have allowed my friends to grow apart from me and watch the real ones call me back when they have no reason but wanting someone to love. I could have just been like fuck it imma be a teacher... but I dont want to lol. SO why would I be in that forever. I am proud to say... no matter how far I may have fallen behind I know when it is over when I sit at my kitchen table with my husband and sit with my family and have dinner... I will know that every moment was worth it and I am exactly where I wanna be.
I did not graduate on time
I do not have a career
I do not have a fabulous car
I do not have a million dollars
I do not have the perfect body
I am not the most beautiful girl to walk the Earth
I am not talented in any way.
I am not a certified genius
And I do not know where I will end up.
But...
I do know the final career path I have chosen will get me the job I want when I get out of school.
I have a job that is frustrating but I genuinely love.
I have a beautiful little car full of character that gets me to and from any destination I want to go from New Orleans to New York.
I do have enough money to have a good life. I may not always know how I am going to pay a bill... its hard being an adult... but I have taught myself more recently that I have what matters. I am going to get everything I want even if it takes a little while.
I have a beauiful body that I am comfortable in. I know girls that are gorgeous with coke bottle shapes and only see fat when they look in the mirror. You wont ever hear me say Im not fat... but you will know that I know I look good when I walk in anywhere.
And the same goes for beauty. I have heard ppl say why is fat she is ugly but I have heard waaaay more that I am so beautiful and honestly if i never heard it... I would know bc I look at myself in the mirror nothing says that my face is beautiful.
So maybe i cant sing, dance, write, draw, lick my elbow, or any other crazy talent... but I am so good at being a loyal friend. The only friends I really lose are the ones that stab me in the back. If I say I will stand by you... I will be there until you die. I love harder than anyone I met and not because I want people to love me back because I love some people who hate me. I dream every night of an old friend that I love so much it brings me to tears but it is over because of false rumors and sad realities. I will miss him forever. Bc I have learned to accept somethings. If i fought for everything and everyone I missed... I would die early from an excess of battle scars.
I know a boy who everytime he said anything he mentioned he was a genius. I also know a lot of people since I always went to "smart" schools... that are smarter than the average person and wont let anyone forget. Over use of big words when they are unnecessary... just to appear to be better than someone else. Im sure pointing out how amazing you are will get tiring eventually. Well it most def will if you ever wanna find someone to love. and he did... I hope. Well as for me... I have never had a problem in school. I have always done what I needed to be where I want to be and I have never felt the need to ask someone who got a lower test grade than me what they got so I can say I scored higher. I have always lived content with what I did without a comparison... unless it was in Logic bc I had to kno in order to help. lol.
And most importantly, no I dont have a five year plan and I cant thing of 20 get rich quick schemes... but I know who I am going with. I know who I will call every step of the way. I know that in the end, I will have my family and my best friends and my love at my side whether it be in Africa or in Alabama. I know that I love the people that I have chosen to love for a reason. And I know that I may not be as good as some of my friends who all graduated on time. But I know I am doing the same thing as them right now. I am working a dead end job just like they are. But I have not settled at any point. I have not settled for a JOEsmoe. I have fought for the man I loved. I have become friends with the most amazing people and finally stopped holding on so tightly to people who never had my best interests at heart. I did not settle for SHC and I did not allow my best friend to settle for LSU. I would have given the world for her then and would still now. I have allowed my friends to grow apart from me and watch the real ones call me back when they have no reason but wanting someone to love. I could have just been like fuck it imma be a teacher... but I dont want to lol. SO why would I be in that forever. I am proud to say... no matter how far I may have fallen behind I know when it is over when I sit at my kitchen table with my husband and sit with my family and have dinner... I will know that every moment was worth it and I am exactly where I wanna be.
Heaven Just Got a Little Closer
The only thing in this world that really troubles me right now... is my relationship with my parents because of my boyfriend. Its so hard to keep him a secret from them. 1. because I love him and we are always together (especially since we moved in together) and 2. bc i love them and tell them everything. well the trouble is after he left me for a beautiful girl who was my best friend in the past... my parents dont trust him. And i guess that would be understandable... it just hurts me bc i love him and I have forgiven him but they cant.
today... i decided... its my life. im taking control and telling the truth. i called my mom and decided against it bc of she was at lunch with my nuna. but it fell out like word vomit (well at least that we were friends) and she told me to call me pops. now this is what i was scared of. My pops went so hard on me a few months back for wanting to go to lunch with T. I have always been a daddys girl so... that shit stung so bad. I honestly thought about ending things for a while there bc I couldnt even go home. he was so mad at me. and i said. "hey daddy. me and T are friends." after repeating myself... i experienced true happiness for the first time in months. the simple letting my family in on the friendship I have with the man I love... is so refreshing. My dad said he was so happy for me. He just didnt want me to be stupid in the past. He forgave T. My mom still shows concern but at least we dont have to hide anymore. He can come to my house again.
so... I realized things that are right shouldnt be hidden. Things that are right overcome any darkness and obstacle. Things that are right... will be no matter how much stands in between us and our final product. Thank you God... because Heaven just got a little closer.
today... i decided... its my life. im taking control and telling the truth. i called my mom and decided against it bc of she was at lunch with my nuna. but it fell out like word vomit (well at least that we were friends) and she told me to call me pops. now this is what i was scared of. My pops went so hard on me a few months back for wanting to go to lunch with T. I have always been a daddys girl so... that shit stung so bad. I honestly thought about ending things for a while there bc I couldnt even go home. he was so mad at me. and i said. "hey daddy. me and T are friends." after repeating myself... i experienced true happiness for the first time in months. the simple letting my family in on the friendship I have with the man I love... is so refreshing. My dad said he was so happy for me. He just didnt want me to be stupid in the past. He forgave T. My mom still shows concern but at least we dont have to hide anymore. He can come to my house again.
so... I realized things that are right shouldnt be hidden. Things that are right overcome any darkness and obstacle. Things that are right... will be no matter how much stands in between us and our final product. Thank you God... because Heaven just got a little closer.
Just Looking a Little Dull
I guess it happens to everyone. I cant really think of a time before now when it really happened to me. I am sad. My mood has changed a lot the past few days. I have had an amazing day but just a few words can make u feel like you shouldnt be happy and maybe I should change. Well I will. Maybe its time. Maybe I was always unhappy and became comfortable. Who knows. But fuck Monday. Im starting right now. I never was this girl. But I guess you have to be to be really happy. I just dont really know right now...
Thursday, July 29, 2010
a milli, a milli...
I love it. lol. i hate that my body hates it. But i love the money. I love making money. it makes me tired and cranky even. but I know im amazing at what i do. and my money proves that to me. I am tired but i have been having good days lately. working harder to become better at everything I do. I cant think of the last time i made under 18 an hr. and thats on a slow day. ahhhh... thank you God. Having something saved up and still enjoying life makes me smile.
I know im ALWAYS about my grind and having money and then spend it all and make it all back the next day. But i love it. I love having the money to buy everything I want. Then making it back. I know i allow myself to stress because of what it does to me... but not many people have what i have right now.
a man who i adore
a man who adores me just as much
a job that pays me well
coworkers that love me
bosses who take care of me no matter what... even if we dont always get along.
and best friends. most ppl who love life and are happy dont have this. best friends. just the old occasionals and but there focus into other things. i have real friends who stand by me when im up down turned around upside down and backwards. esp len. thank you God for len. He makes my heart weak with happiness bc he truly adores me and i hope he knows i feel the same way.
oh and on the things i love about my life... my family. things may be hard but not everyone has that strong structure we do. and gray... you are part of that structure.
thjank you for rewarding me by fulfilling my dreams in ways i thought unimaginable.
I know im ALWAYS about my grind and having money and then spend it all and make it all back the next day. But i love it. I love having the money to buy everything I want. Then making it back. I know i allow myself to stress because of what it does to me... but not many people have what i have right now.
a man who i adore
a man who adores me just as much
a job that pays me well
coworkers that love me
bosses who take care of me no matter what... even if we dont always get along.
and best friends. most ppl who love life and are happy dont have this. best friends. just the old occasionals and but there focus into other things. i have real friends who stand by me when im up down turned around upside down and backwards. esp len. thank you God for len. He makes my heart weak with happiness bc he truly adores me and i hope he knows i feel the same way.
oh and on the things i love about my life... my family. things may be hard but not everyone has that strong structure we do. and gray... you are part of that structure.
thjank you for rewarding me by fulfilling my dreams in ways i thought unimaginable.
especially DIFFERENT
Wow. what an experience it is to actually live together. b4 we did but we didnt. now we have our place. I come home to you everyday. I sleep and wake up in ur arms eveynight. so maybe we bicker. Im just tired from work. but believe me... I know what it feels like now. and i know you know too. what it really feels like to be loved especially different.
Hopes for the Heartbroken
I planned on writing this blog about a month ago but I havent had a computer but I couldnt get the idea out of my head.
When you are in love, there are few things in life that will appeal to you more than being with that person. It is how friendships endand gradually how ur best friend stops being ur best friend and your boyfriend is (hoping that it will all be worth it bc in the end he will be your husband) and then ur friends understand and all is well. well... hopefully. Anyway... there are some things that will always appeal more than a loved one to me. And it is the only One that really matters. I am not the kind of person that I used to be. Im a lot more real and a lot less worried about if ppl hate me. But one thing changed in me that I hated. My love for what mattered.
Well... the point of this is not really anything I have written so far but really this one sentence. The greatest joy in life should never be invested in a human, but because we love so hard bc we were taught to do so... i have truly experienced what I believe is the truest form of happiness on Earth. Watching the man you love... surrender. There are not many men who surrender themselves out of fear of what other people may think. or more obviously out of pride that there is something greater than what they can do themselves. Well, I thank God everyday (literally) for having the chance to watch the man i love extend his arms and fall down and surrender to what will be better.
When you are in a place where you know that the devil himself has knock on ur door in an attempt to recruit you to what seems to be fun and what feels right... and still stand up after and allow yourself to be rained on. Poured down upon bc u know what it feels like to be drowning and the fresh feel of rain touching ur skin is an improvement from before when you lived submerged in the water. When you pray for rain doesnt mean that you want to suffer but that you will celebrate in the small successes.
Soon the rain will turn to a sprinkle and then to overcast and then finally into a beautiful day built for a picnic. and on that day... we will tell the world that we are one. and things will be better.
i promise.
thank you for going. thank you for loving me. thank you for reminding me how much i love you.
When you are in love, there are few things in life that will appeal to you more than being with that person. It is how friendships endand gradually how ur best friend stops being ur best friend and your boyfriend is (hoping that it will all be worth it bc in the end he will be your husband) and then ur friends understand and all is well. well... hopefully. Anyway... there are some things that will always appeal more than a loved one to me. And it is the only One that really matters. I am not the kind of person that I used to be. Im a lot more real and a lot less worried about if ppl hate me. But one thing changed in me that I hated. My love for what mattered.
Well... the point of this is not really anything I have written so far but really this one sentence. The greatest joy in life should never be invested in a human, but because we love so hard bc we were taught to do so... i have truly experienced what I believe is the truest form of happiness on Earth. Watching the man you love... surrender. There are not many men who surrender themselves out of fear of what other people may think. or more obviously out of pride that there is something greater than what they can do themselves. Well, I thank God everyday (literally) for having the chance to watch the man i love extend his arms and fall down and surrender to what will be better.
When you are in a place where you know that the devil himself has knock on ur door in an attempt to recruit you to what seems to be fun and what feels right... and still stand up after and allow yourself to be rained on. Poured down upon bc u know what it feels like to be drowning and the fresh feel of rain touching ur skin is an improvement from before when you lived submerged in the water. When you pray for rain doesnt mean that you want to suffer but that you will celebrate in the small successes.
Soon the rain will turn to a sprinkle and then to overcast and then finally into a beautiful day built for a picnic. and on that day... we will tell the world that we are one. and things will be better.
i promise.
thank you for going. thank you for loving me. thank you for reminding me how much i love you.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Dopest Shit On Earth
Tried ta murder himself twice. Body and mental. What a waste of potential. Look what he make wit his pencil. U stood by him thru it. I wouldve hated to hav been u. And u mothered his child. U really loved him didnt you? - T...(Dot)
I dont remember feeling like this in November. But this is something I never wanna forget. And for some reason... i truly believe I wont ever have to. Thank you God. Welcome to happiness.
I dont remember feeling like this in November. But this is something I never wanna forget. And for some reason... i truly believe I wont ever have to. Thank you God. Welcome to happiness.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
She Devil
I met the devil today and she simply said hello
The more I looked at her I could swear I saw her skin glow
She was so pretty and I seemed to fall in love
I even went as far as to look up and said thanks to the man up above
Man, i NEEDed a good friend
(Who knew this was the end)
And then I saw her smile
I didn’t see this coming - not for a fuckin mile
My heart is weak
It still haunts my dreams
Why did You give him permission to look at the desires I seek
That’s the only way he would have known that I would fall.. well that’s how it seems
I still wanna look at her and hold her hand
I still wanna call and ask, “can we move past”
But emotions on a beach… washed away by sand
And thoughts of how when she said yes… it didn’t last
How could you be ok with what u did
I think about all the times we shared and the words we said
How could u blame everything on me
And somehow u acted like I messed up what was meant to be
I was Ariel… I just wanted my dream
Signed up for an amazing friendship with the queen
Looking towards my future and having everything
And there I was as I watched her sing
It was my voice and it was my plan
Downward spiral into fiery home
Wishing for the cooling sensation of a snowflake or fan
But there I was burned… already scorched my dome
I allowed you to haunt me for about half of my year
I let you change me into a person I wasn’t
I watched and I promise u I will not shed one more tear
I will love myself and fuck everyone who doesn’t
You broke me… I was Job and forgot that I was strong
And now I do remember to thank Him all day long
God gave you permission to remind me how pray
And I swear I will never allow you to tempt me again after today
You won a battle and I won a war
And honestly I pray for u bc the Devils a whore
He listens and promises everything that’s good
But then ur
Good luck my old friend… the love will never die.
Im sorry u and I had to end like this,
Im cutting your hold on me and on us.
This is my goodbye…
To you, pain.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Happy
I have never been this happy in my life.
I know that there was a major bump in the road. more like a dumb rat... but it turned into roadkill and my life has slowly fallen back into place.
I am where I was before with knowledge of how deep my love runs that I didnt have before.
Thank you God. All things happen for a reason. And thank God I believe... because the faithful are always rewarded. To think I ever doubted. I love you Tooda.
Thank you for being the man of my dreams.
I know that there was a major bump in the road. more like a dumb rat... but it turned into roadkill and my life has slowly fallen back into place.
I am where I was before with knowledge of how deep my love runs that I didnt have before.
Thank you God. All things happen for a reason. And thank God I believe... because the faithful are always rewarded. To think I ever doubted. I love you Tooda.
Thank you for being the man of my dreams.
Monday, May 31, 2010
bye bye bloggy.
im done blogging. the only person that ever read it for real was that bitch. I have a diary for a reason. and seems like the same person who reads this now... seems to find no problem with reading my diary. goodbye. honestly i had fun.
... no need to CLING on to anything. im a hippie... a free spirit. its time i start acting like one. fuck this bitch.
... no need to CLING on to anything. im a hippie... a free spirit. its time i start acting like one. fuck this bitch.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Music... You are the REAL thing.
an excerpt from "high" - to come... maybe
Man, music. U made me fall in love so many times. U taught me how to really hate. It was u that taught me how to cry. It was not the case… a situation… the man. It was u that made my heart recognize that I was alone.
Man, music. U made me fall in love so many times. U taught me how to really hate. It was u that taught me how to cry. It was not the case… a situation… the man. It was u that made my heart recognize that I was alone.
It was u that taught me that I had to grow up. It was u that made my lose my virginity. It was u that but the weakness in my knees and u that put a tingle in my soul. It was u that made me realize that I had in fact fallin a victim to cupid and his arrow. It was u that made me remember that in that journey I was alone. U, love, is what made me who I am. U have intensified every emotion that I have ever felt I was with u that I have most of my memories.
My best sex, my hardest fall, my biggest achievements with my closest of friends, with my man… with these men, with them all. With her. U stood by me. U made me love, u made me cry. U are in me. U are me. And u live in me. U bring out the best and the worst of me… u. music. ♫
Thoughts of a Lonely Friday Night
Sometimes when you have become accustomed to hours and hours of pure loneliness, you become weirdly emotional. Everything seems to be intensified. Fear. Every noise is something you never heard before. Sadness. Every beat seems to be crying almost. Happiness. It almost seems unreal. The amount of joy you experience from a movies ending or a good bite of a sandwich. Like for one second everything is ok and you are not alone. Then… you hear that noise. Fuck. Im scared. Why am I alone… sadness. I love this song… happiness. What a viscous cycle. Booo.
I hate when people text me. And when you call they don’t answer. I thought u weren’t busy. Is there something wrong? Are you not where u said you were. Are you with someone you aren’t with? Who knows… I know I never will. When phone calls go unanswered always but texts are returned. Whose voice shouldn’t I hear? We never change do we. There is no one there. I never change do I? Just believe. Right? It is so hard when that’s all I did the first time. Believed. In something bigger. In us.
There are so many things to say after a long week with the men you love. 1. Thank God for having the opportunity to have two of the four (or five) men I love in this world, love one another. Now maybe you see why I love each of you. There are always two sides to each story. 2. My soap is slowly coming back to life. It just needed some love and a hug. Maybe you’re just a bar of soap. You need me to hold you and I need you to feel clean… and good. 3. There is probably a list of 97 million things to say about this week with you, my love… but I can only think of one thing.
so... here it is... every way i can and cant say it. and it still isnt enough to describe what you mean to me...
English - I love you
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumem
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bengali - Ami tomake bhalobashi (pronounced: Amee toe-ma-kee bhalo-bashee)
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Catalan - T'estimo
Cherokee - Tsi ge yu i
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Cantonese - Ngo oiy ney a
Mandarin - Wo ai ni
Comanche - U kamakutu nu (pronounced oo----ka-ma-koo-too-----nu)
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Cree - Kisakihitin
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Elf - Shapotoyoyoi (from The Roggies)
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Frisian - Ik hald fan dy
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha Au Ia`oe
Hebrew - To male - "Ohevet ot'cha" (said by female)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese - Aishiteru or Anata ga daisuki desu
Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili - Nakupenda
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
Korean - Sarang Heyo or Nanun tangshinul sarang hamnida
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Luxembourgeois - Ech hun dech gaer
Macedonian - Te Sakam
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Maltese - Inhobbok
Marathi - Me tula prem karto
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Ndebele - Niyakutanda
Bokmaal - Jeg elsker deg
Nyonrsk - Eg elskar deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te iubesc
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing 'I Love You')
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu`bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Surinam - Mi lobi joe
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai - Chan rak khunInformal - Rak te
Tunisian - Ha eh bak
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu di
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe
Zazi - Ezhele hezdege
Zuni - Tom ho' ichema
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumem
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bengali - Ami tomake bhalobashi (pronounced: Amee toe-ma-kee bhalo-bashee)
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Catalan - T'estimo
Cherokee - Tsi ge yu i
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Cantonese - Ngo oiy ney a
Mandarin - Wo ai ni
Comanche - U kamakutu nu (pronounced oo----ka-ma-koo-too-----nu)
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Cree - Kisakihitin
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Elf - Shapotoyoyoi (from The Roggies)
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Frisian - Ik hald fan dy
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha Au Ia`oe
Hebrew - To male - "Ohevet ot'cha" (said by female)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese - Aishiteru or Anata ga daisuki desu
Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili - Nakupenda
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
Korean - Sarang Heyo or Nanun tangshinul sarang hamnida
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Luxembourgeois - Ech hun dech gaer
Macedonian - Te Sakam
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Maltese - Inhobbok
Marathi - Me tula prem karto
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Ndebele - Niyakutanda
Bokmaal - Jeg elsker deg
Nyonrsk - Eg elskar deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te iubesc
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing 'I Love You')
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu`bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Surinam - Mi lobi joe
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai - Chan rak khun
Tunisian - Ha eh bak
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu di
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe
Zazi - Ezhele hezdege
Zuni - Tom ho' ichema
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Goodbye to You.
Goodbye to you my one and only love.
I would hate to end things on the note that we did. So simple. So short. So insincere.
However... because I have forced to grow up faster than I would wish to... i did not have any other option. You my love are so beautiful. You are everything that a man longs to be. Fun, sweet, loving, and oh, so gentle. You touch makes me melt because it seems I have always belonged right there in ur grasp.
It is funny how every single person in the whole world tells the same story... at least once. Why do you always have to fall in love with the one who wont love u back?
viscous cycle that love... (u - ashley; me - u; joe - me)
forever is as long as it seems. and it will be how long i choose to live without u since my decision to live with u for that same amount of time... seemed ify "sometimes"
i am not a writer. that is who you are. But i do know how to follow through with decisions i make.
...like a few days ago me and my best friend in the world at the time (seems like these days i am running out of friends... bc sadly it has only been like 2 days and we arent friends anymore - even tho i had just confided in him about how i thought he was the only friend i had left... life scared him away so im alone) decided that we would let go of all of our pain. a goodbye note to pain.
Who knew at the time... i would be saying goodbye to you when i wrote it.
FATAL ... literally... mistake. believing u loved me in round 1. damn. what a bitch to believe again. ppl always did say i was a bitch.
i hope that everyone in this world is happy. bc i thought for a while there it was we against the world. now i look about as stupid as she... all along it was just me.
remember this when u lie ur head to rest. you will always be the man of my dreams... so every night i will see u and smile. I wish that you find the girl of yours. I am sorry I could not be her. But I am not the kind of girl you want.
Traits in thePerfect Girl for u:
Bitch
Mean
Fake
Bad Friend
FLAKY
Pretty/Sexy
Traits in the One who Loved You
Bitch
Nice
Genuine
Die Hard Friend
Consistent in her Desires
Beautiful
well im a bitch. lol.
When you find that girl... the one when forever seems like a pleasure - bc thats what it sounded like to me - i hope for only one thing... that i get to shake her hand. (and maybe sing that broken road song by rascall flatts song to her) bc who cares who u stepped on in the process. u finally found the dream girl.
i died... never shaking her hand. u have to learn to put someone ahead of u to fall in love. man... loneliness will suck. i promise to write. send a postcard from a happy place. u will love the pictures because i know u must have never seen what it looks like there... every time i tried to vacation there... when we got close... we got lost. u always seemed to push it away. well u cant steal from me. and i will hike there. ALONE.
I would hate to end things on the note that we did. So simple. So short. So insincere.
However... because I have forced to grow up faster than I would wish to... i did not have any other option. You my love are so beautiful. You are everything that a man longs to be. Fun, sweet, loving, and oh, so gentle. You touch makes me melt because it seems I have always belonged right there in ur grasp.
It is funny how every single person in the whole world tells the same story... at least once. Why do you always have to fall in love with the one who wont love u back?
viscous cycle that love... (u - ashley; me - u; joe - me)
forever is as long as it seems. and it will be how long i choose to live without u since my decision to live with u for that same amount of time... seemed ify "sometimes"
i am not a writer. that is who you are. But i do know how to follow through with decisions i make.
...like a few days ago me and my best friend in the world at the time (seems like these days i am running out of friends... bc sadly it has only been like 2 days and we arent friends anymore - even tho i had just confided in him about how i thought he was the only friend i had left... life scared him away so im alone) decided that we would let go of all of our pain. a goodbye note to pain.
Who knew at the time... i would be saying goodbye to you when i wrote it.
FATAL ... literally... mistake. believing u loved me in round 1. damn. what a bitch to believe again. ppl always did say i was a bitch.
i hope that everyone in this world is happy. bc i thought for a while there it was we against the world. now i look about as stupid as she... all along it was just me.
remember this when u lie ur head to rest. you will always be the man of my dreams... so every night i will see u and smile. I wish that you find the girl of yours. I am sorry I could not be her. But I am not the kind of girl you want.
Traits in the
Bitch
Mean
Fake
Bad Friend
FLAKY
Pretty/Sexy
Traits in the One who Loved You
Bitch
Nice
Genuine
Die Hard Friend
Consistent in her Desires
Beautiful
well im a bitch. lol.
When you find that girl... the one when forever seems like a pleasure - bc thats what it sounded like to me - i hope for only one thing... that i get to shake her hand. (and maybe sing that broken road song by rascall flatts song to her) bc who cares who u stepped on in the process. u finally found the dream girl.
i died... never shaking her hand. u have to learn to put someone ahead of u to fall in love. man... loneliness will suck. i promise to write. send a postcard from a happy place. u will love the pictures because i know u must have never seen what it looks like there... every time i tried to vacation there... when we got close... we got lost. u always seemed to push it away. well u cant steal from me. and i will hike there. ALONE.
embarrassment
embarrassment is covering my whole body. i have chills comin up my spine like they have a home there.
it is like a blanket that covers you when you are warm. but then u find out that it is thin and full of holes. u are still freezing with this hard piece of cover laying over u. looking like the answer... the security. it was all a mirage. u wake up...
frozen. heart of stone. dead.
it is like a blanket that covers you when you are warm. but then u find out that it is thin and full of holes. u are still freezing with this hard piece of cover laying over u. looking like the answer... the security. it was all a mirage. u wake up...
frozen. heart of stone. dead.
disappointment
why wont u grow up? fighting over a girl you dont even want.
put urself in his shoes. what if a nigga did that to me?
when will u realize ur just too old for this...
genuinely sad...
JC
put urself in his shoes. what if a nigga did that to me?
when will u realize ur just too old for this...
genuinely sad...
JC
Satisfaction!
Funny word that satisfaction. I have learned to love people in ways that I do not believe some people find in their whole lives. I do not only mean love as IN love... jus being me and loving. I do not know why I am the way i am. but in a fear of hurting everyone else I have become dirty. footprints all over my soul. The craziest thing about me is not that I love though. Its that I love and I forgive... really a quality package. lol. It is what every person I have ever met says is my biggest fault. You let people use u... u forgive too easily. The same people who tell me that... use me and need to be forgiven. I sit back and enjoy the crazy twist but I never really allow it to tear at me. If the faults of my friends got to me... id always be down. So i love because it is easier and waaaay more fun than hate. NO one gets that tho. people just think im soft.
well here i am. not with anyone but completelytied down yours. happy. o. waiting on a text. o. def wasnt thinking id be here... now. p. no disappointment.s. its late... sleep is real. satisfied. hmmm... does that conflict with true happiness. is satisfaction only the bottom layer of it all or with every level of pure bliss is satisfaction a large part.
playing a role of someone i am not was almost painfully SATISFYING (there u are again Satisfaction... u must like me) a car over my love? nah... i will pass. but just that look. the look that i understood. that comfort... no wonder people lie. that look is true happiness.
Who in the world wouldnt want to make someone else feel like for one second someone understands you. I am not judging you and I feel the same way. That one sec when you speak that lie and they look you in your eyes...there u are my old friend satisfaction. lets cuddle. (sorry friend... it is a catch 22... im not as soft as i used to be)
... whats wrong with being soft. i like to cuddle.
well here i am. not with anyone but completely
of all my mental notes... this probably makes the leastsensecents... at least thats what they say... its all about money. i would hope not... bc its not something i have too much of. but i do preach on its lack of importance.
playing a role of someone i am not was almost painfully SATISFYING (there u are again Satisfaction... u must like me) a car over my love? nah... i will pass. but just that look. the look that i understood. that comfort... no wonder people lie. that look is true happiness.
Who in the world wouldnt want to make someone else feel like for one second someone understands you. I am not judging you and I feel the same way. That one sec when you speak that lie and they look you in your eyes...there u are my old friend satisfaction. lets cuddle. (sorry friend... it is a catch 22... im not as soft as i used to be)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
New Orleans.
"Lets make new memories together instead of living in the old ones that you walked away from"
... only thing it reminded me of was when why you were the last few times. and how we laid on that same sofa months before. and I'm sure somewhere in the middle you were there with someone else.
Man no where is safe. Im not safe from my brain.
"if yall are gonna fight the world... it better be FOREVER not for no 7 month relationship"
... good point. damn. poor baby, thats probably what was thought there too. am i just like that? God please save me if i am. that is the last person in the world i would wanna be like.
I never understood the concept of overthinking til right now.
i think i have been successfully overthinking. boo to my thoughts.
i am over thinking.
shhh...
... only thing it reminded me of was when why you were the last few times. and how we laid on that same sofa months before. and I'm sure somewhere in the middle you were there with someone else.
Man no where is safe. Im not safe from my brain.
"if yall are gonna fight the world... it better be FOREVER not for no 7 month relationship"
... good point. damn. poor baby, thats probably what was thought there too. am i just like that? God please save me if i am. that is the last person in the world i would wanna be like.
I never understood the concept of overthinking til right now.
i think i have been successfully overthinking. boo to my thoughts.
i am over thinking.
shhh...
I was there once...
"No. Do NOT go to lunch. Why would you even want to do that. You make no sense child. You sat right here and told me it was over. You ruined your family behind this. What in this world would possess you to want to go to lunch. the correct response is NO."
"God will do right by you for honoring him. I know its hard. But he doesnt wanna see you get hurt"
"I think he feels bad bc he never honors our boy problems as real problems. When we are sad about boys he never says much. Just gives us that generic advice. 'There are plenty of fish in the sea' and 'soon you will be the one breaking hearts. it will be ok.' And then you were too far down and he hadnt paid attention. Now he feels guilty." (Then... I had almost died. I guess i caught his attention)
but then...
he was there once. he was that guy. he broke hearts. he left. he cheated. he fought. he is the greatest man I have ever met and to hear him say he laid hands on a woman... all i thought was well damn... everyone makes mistakes. Everyone grows up at some point. right? I would die to meet someone who is half of him. But im not even sure that they exist in my eyes. He is so high. So now... I look through his eyes and my heart is starting to melt. It is quite sexual. hmmm... and they werent. NO direct eye contact when i say marriage or love. We are young. Forever is forever. That is too much for anyone to want when they could want something completely different 3 months ago.
makes you wonder whats real. or even if you are real. maybe im just floating here above everyone else... maybe that night i died. And now im watching the aftermath of what happened bc i did. I sure am starting to master the art of feeling that way anyway.
the only man i ever loved. was there. and feels like he is there again with me. do i wanna hurt him? i only long to make him proud. i think im failing.
"God will do right by you for honoring him. I know its hard. But he doesnt wanna see you get hurt"
"I think he feels bad bc he never honors our boy problems as real problems. When we are sad about boys he never says much. Just gives us that generic advice. 'There are plenty of fish in the sea' and 'soon you will be the one breaking hearts. it will be ok.' And then you were too far down and he hadnt paid attention. Now he feels guilty." (Then... I had almost died. I guess i caught his attention)
but then...
he was there once. he was that guy. he broke hearts. he left. he cheated. he fought. he is the greatest man I have ever met and to hear him say he laid hands on a woman... all i thought was well damn... everyone makes mistakes. Everyone grows up at some point. right? I would die to meet someone who is half of him. But im not even sure that they exist in my eyes. He is so high. So now... I look through his eyes and my heart is starting to melt. It is quite sexual. hmmm... and they werent. NO direct eye contact when i say marriage or love. We are young. Forever is forever. That is too much for anyone to want when they could want something completely different 3 months ago.
makes you wonder whats real. or even if you are real. maybe im just floating here above everyone else... maybe that night i died. And now im watching the aftermath of what happened bc i did. I sure am starting to master the art of feeling that way anyway.
the only man i ever loved. was there. and feels like he is there again with me. do i wanna hurt him? i only long to make him proud. i think im failing.
I hate you. You have no idea how ur dumb tricks have ruined our lives. Why do you have to be just like her? Why couldn't you understand the importance of a real friend. YOU DONT DO THIS TO REAL FRIENDS. and now the one you "loved" has to suffer. This isnt ok. Its not as simple as writing a blog and moving on. Fights end in divorce. Pills end in death. Fuck you for being the worst friend I ever had. People are fake but you are not real. There is nothing in you that is genuine. You are disgusting. I hate you. Thank you though. For making me suffer and for allowing me to realize just how terrible you are. We will stand hand and hand and fight. I dont give a fuck bc nothing is permanent. And the thing that kills me most is I think if you knew it would have ended like this (because honestly who wouldnt have foreseen this... i believe anyone with eyes and a brain could... maybe thats why you didnt) I think you would still have done it. Just to hurt me. Well you wont win. But some love you are because you have ruined too many lives. You are the sorriest excuse for a friend. I hope everyone you ever meet will see that in you. You should come with a warning label. You care about no one. And i genuinely hope one day you feel true karma and know what it feels like to have no one care about u.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
yep
Call you on the phone
You are never home
You say dat you gone
handling business
So babe
I hear that everyday
All i can do is pray
you not losing interest
Its hard
2 know you got my heart
2 watch me fall apart
every time you DON'T CALL
Its cool
but don't think im a fool
We all got things 2 do
but we make time 4 what we want
Your al-al-al ways
(Your al-al-al ways)
Your al-al-al ways
Bu-sy
I let you do your thing
not get in your way
And try not 2 complain
but its like its useless
Cause you
just take it as its cool
2 con-tinue 2 do
whatever like i'm stupid
Im not
i just love you alot
And im not gonna stop
I just need a little talking
What 4
2 keep my heart on course
Or else i might be force 2 find love SOMEWHERE ELSE
Your al-al-al ways
(Your al-al-al ways)
Your al-al-al ways
Bu-sy
"Hello"
If you dont want 2 be here LET ME KNOW
"Can i call you back in like 3 minutes"
If you dont really love me LET ME GO
"Yo,you tripping i did not send you 2 voicemail"
"I was on the phone"
Dont keep me holding on
"No,No,No see my phone just been tripping lately"
Let my heart go somewhere it belong
"My momma on the other line"
Your al-al-al ways
(Your al-al-al ways)
Your al-al-al ways
Bu-sy
You are never home
You say dat you gone
handling business
So babe
I hear that everyday
All i can do is pray
you not losing interest
Its hard
2 know you got my heart
2 watch me fall apart
every time you DON'T CALL
Its cool
but don't think im a fool
We all got things 2 do
but we make time 4 what we want
Your al-al-al ways
(Your al-al-al ways)
Your al-al-al ways
Bu-sy
I let you do your thing
not get in your way
And try not 2 complain
but its like its useless
Cause you
just take it as its cool
2 con-tinue 2 do
whatever like i'm stupid
Im not
i just love you alot
And im not gonna stop
I just need a little talking
What 4
2 keep my heart on course
Or else i might be force 2 find love SOMEWHERE ELSE
Your al-al-al ways
(Your al-al-al ways)
Your al-al-al ways
Bu-sy
"Hello"
If you dont want 2 be here LET ME KNOW
"Can i call you back in like 3 minutes"
If you dont really love me LET ME GO
"Yo,you tripping i did not send you 2 voicemail"
"I was on the phone"
Dont keep me holding on
"No,No,No see my phone just been tripping lately"
Let my heart go somewhere it belong
"My momma on the other line"
Your al-al-al ways
(Your al-al-al ways)
Your al-al-al ways
Bu-sy
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Some days... suck
life... is too short.
:_(
i wish i could just touch people and heal them with the things i believe about them. just make them feel better with my thoughts. i really love people. hard. everyone really. except for like 2 ppl. and even them. i wouldnt ever want them to hurt.
maybe if i promise to dedicate the rest of my life to something bigger... if i touch you you will heal. maybe i can suck the pain right out of u. so that u will know that eveything will be ok. maybe i can take it from u. maybe i can go instead. i will find a way to convey every thought so that b4 you ever get a chance to hurt... i will stand at your side and love u. with everything i have. u wont leave. you will be ok.
i trust in God with everything that i have. i know He will help me. i need you to trust Him too.
pray with me please. Hold my hand. and tell me things will work out. tell me it was a mistake. tell me it was just another lie. u needed my attention bc i wasnt there. tell me u love me and u wont leave. tell me these tears will be of joy bc u will call me with good news.
what is postive about this? i hate this world.
:_(
i wish i could just touch people and heal them with the things i believe about them. just make them feel better with my thoughts. i really love people. hard. everyone really. except for like 2 ppl. and even them. i wouldnt ever want them to hurt.
maybe if i promise to dedicate the rest of my life to something bigger... if i touch you you will heal. maybe i can suck the pain right out of u. so that u will know that eveything will be ok. maybe i can take it from u. maybe i can go instead. i will find a way to convey every thought so that b4 you ever get a chance to hurt... i will stand at your side and love u. with everything i have. u wont leave. you will be ok.
i trust in God with everything that i have. i know He will help me. i need you to trust Him too.
pray with me please. Hold my hand. and tell me things will work out. tell me it was a mistake. tell me it was just another lie. u needed my attention bc i wasnt there. tell me u love me and u wont leave. tell me these tears will be of joy bc u will call me with good news.
what is postive about this? i hate this world.
Dead
I havent felt like this in a while. no clever trickery. no good spacing. just dead.
i feel like a kids favorite game. he plays so much he just gets tired of it. and then once he goes away for awhile he came back and the game seems more fun bc of the break he took. like a little more exciting. but then the kid remembers how to play and starts getting into the groove of things. now he starts using the tricks he used to and it is obvious that history will repeat itself. and like b4... the kid will grow tired.it all starts out the same. damn u games. whatever happened to reading?
if i were a book. then the first time u read a book you dog-ear the pages you loved and highlight the quotes you wanna remember (at least i do... im a real active reader) and then a kid goes back and reads his old books... he finds lines that he didnt see before. that directly relate to where he is in life now. u know... everytime u read it - depending on what you're going through - u get a something different.
but how can you get something different... when what u put in is the EXACT same.
fuck the bears. go hibernate.
i feel like a kids favorite game. he plays so much he just gets tired of it. and then once he goes away for awhile he came back and the game seems more fun bc of the break he took. like a little more exciting. but then the kid remembers how to play and starts getting into the groove of things. now he starts using the tricks he used to and it is obvious that history will repeat itself. and like b4... the kid will grow tired.it all starts out the same. damn u games. whatever happened to reading?
if i were a book. then the first time u read a book you dog-ear the pages you loved and highlight the quotes you wanna remember (at least i do... im a real active reader) and then a kid goes back and reads his old books... he finds lines that he didnt see before. that directly relate to where he is in life now. u know... everytime u read it - depending on what you're going through - u get a something different.
but how can you get something different... when what u put in is the EXACT same.
fuck the bears. go hibernate.
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