to You. the only Man i Loved.

I have allowed this very word to be the reason I get up in the morning. It is the reason why I enjoy my job. It is the reason why I smile. It is the cause of most of my tears. It is the reason why lonliness is a gap that I cannot seem to fill. I love too hard. And unfortunately, I cannot seem to find someone to love me the same way. Well, to the man that I loved.

You are an amazing man. You introduced me to life. To music. To love.
You're nothing like the man you fear you are becoming. You have hurt me. Yes. Both emotionally and physically. But i would endure every hurtful word and bruise all over again just to hold your hand. I love you more than you will ever know. You are my heart. My love. My reason for continuing to want to live. But now you are gone. And I will miss you. I am sorry that you didnt deem this worth fighting for. Although, it isnt something i see myself understanding in the near future. I trust you. I think back to the years we spent in love. The years that we spent fighting. The years that we spent.... together. Cooking. Making love in the kitchen. Slow dancing to no music. Holding hands. And fighting the world to do it. I think about when you used to come in the door and i would greet you with kisses and we would roll around right there on the floor... and u were still covered in oil. I think about the times we blew. We went so many places together. We fell so in love. We went so far back in time. We were on Cloud 9 while people hated us as we listened to albums together and walked around with our backpacks on. These memories will never fade. They make me who I am.

I think about when you were the only reason that I didnt lose my mind at work. And how i would smile everytime I saw u walk through the door. I remember the nights when we would just lay down and talk. I would run my fingers through your hair and we would cuddle until the sun would come up. Some of my favorite times with you were before everyone even knew. When we would sneak around and laugh because everyone thought but only we truly knew what it was. We went swimming and you would hold me up. And we made love while the neighbors walked their dogs. Sometimes, you left me at school. lol. I would walk home. You always hated when I did that. I always loved it.

I didnt forget about the punches thrown and your bruised arms. The other girls. And the other man. I didnt forget about the nights we spent throwing things and breaking glass and patching buts and healing wounds. I didnt forget about the times my friends had to pick me up off of the floor. And the times I had to hold myself up because everyone walked out because i was thinking about you too much. I still remember those random men... although it does seem like it was ever real. I remember opening my door to them. And then myself. I remember begging for help... I remember blowing til I couldnt remember you. Or me.

...but those things only made for better reunions and stronger love. And when it was happening I couldnt focus. I couldnt go to school or find that desire to want to wake up - or live. But i made it. Surprisingly. And i found my way back into your heart. I think about the nights that we made love at the casino. Just to get away. Some of my favorite memories were there. The salty red beans. The family breakfast. The new foods from your moms. The crazy nights we spent fighting her just trying to get her to bless our love. The night that we spent in the motel when we couldnt see eye to eye. The christmas shopping. The beats. the clothes. The massage. The bulls. The plans. Our future.

I just want you to know that I will never forget you. You have mademore of an impact on me than anyone ever has. You were my best friend and the love of my life. You were my drug. You were the only thing I ever needed to feel high. To feel comfortable. you were the only man that ever made me feel beautiful in my most vulnerable form. You made me fall in love with who I was. The mornings we spent in the bathroom. The nights we spent in the bed. The kisses that made me fall even more in love just one month ago. Sing with me... really sing... "be my friend"

Im so sorry for allowing anyone to come between us. the girls and the boy. We had a love stronger than all of that. A beautiful love. We should have fought for that.

"i will love til the end of time... Promise that you'll remember that your mine."

life!

My life is exactly where it needs to be in order for me to be happy. I may not have all my ducks in a row just yet but i know that i am getting them together and I will be happy.

I am not known by millions

disliked by many

but loved by those that matter.

Thank you to those that matter. you have changed my life. gotten me through the worst and best times of my life. Thank you for keeping me stable while still allowing me to fly. to those who made a difference... you will never be forgotten

I love you. all. and i am happy because of you. and iwll stay happy for you. No one is worth my peace. And i am happy to have it back. 

Empty

In this world, u come in contact with so many people. And while some of those people are just passing though and never make a serious impact, one will be the one you marry. One will be your best friend. One will be so cool, you want to chill with them all the time. While one will be your worst enemy. And many will fall in and out of these categories and end up passing through.

To all those who have made a difference and stayed for a little longer... fuck you. You have truly proved yourselves to be the worst of all. With the exception of maybe 1 or 2 people who are not directly related to me... I have become a massive ball of trash. Easily tossed aside by everyone who once treasured who I was. And then they ask... what happened to u??? Where did u go??? How can I be they same person??? Tell me someone. I have been cheated on, ignored, left, neglected, played, and most importantly LIED to by the people I love most in the world. So I think it must be me. And it must be. So I refuse to talk to these people again. I allowed them to kill my spirits and I feel dead.

From my "best friend" to my best friend to my ex (who can't stand the thought of being my ex but can't seem to tell the truth)... I have been shit on too many times to really count.

I hate men. I have never been that girl before... but I quickly became her when since I've been single I have been hit on by at LEAST 5 different MARRIED men. Only making me realize... it doesn't stop after u get married. Cheaters cheat and liars lie.

And to my bestie, thank u. Half of ur life (literally) has been devoted to trying to get me out of that trust everyone bullshit I always seem to do (no matter how many times it has proved me to be an idiot). U succeeded. Bc u were one of the last people on earth I trusted and u fucked that up pretty terribly. But I guess its like they say... it was fun while it lasted. Kinda.

To this cruel word... I have finally become the creature everyone has always wanted me to be. I don't care. Just like all of you. I guess its true what they say about this dumb world being hell. When u lift that veil... all I see is horror.

And if that's how u feel... hang up. That's how I feel... thanks for understanding.

And last but not least... she's different. My only prayer is she gets the fuck away from u b4 u play her and fuck her clean over too.

Goodbye. This time... I mean it.

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Single

Damn... I'm single.

S - solo
I - independent
N - nieve
G - giddy
L - LOVING
E - extra lonely.

I'm torn on how to feel. Gn.

Diary of a lonely girl

What happens when u think that u have finally got everything u wanted right in ur hands and life is finally going as planned?

Thoughts.

Thoughts that u don't know or don't really have what u thought u did. Thoughts that someone else may be better. And what happens with those thoughts is they expound and begin building on something else.

Lies.

Lies are more powerful than thoughts bc they can shape and change ur thoughts at will. To believe that I believed in something and find that its a lie is hard. It brings me to a place of pain.

Pain.

Pain exists in a world where lies begin to mold your thoughts and friend become enemies and lovers become bitter exes. And life becomes confusing. Pain is the root of all problems. U begin to hate ur job and ur friends for no apparent reason besides that there are other issues in ur life that have got u so confused that u push away everything that in one sense makes sense and in another can't help. U begin a downward spiral into another life completely. All because of love.

Love.

Love is everything. Falling in love is where the problem comes in. I love hard. I love four ppl in the world that are outside of my family. By that I only mean true love. Love like I do my own family and my one day husband and children. I don't know many people who love four people that way. As four is a high number to be giving out that type of love to. However, four people have managed to truly capture my heart. To those four: u know who u are. The problem is that all four of u have my heart in a place that makes me want ur happiness at all times. Above my own or anyone else outside of u. And I would do anything to help u succeed and provide what I believe is best for u.
Now pain finds its way into my life due to a series of lies that created thoughts that make it impossible for me to produce u with the happiness u all deserve. I am aware of what may be best for u but in providing that service am I breaking someone else? And the person I am breaking happens to also be a person I love. And by not doing what I think is best for one to not hurt another, am i only hurting myself? Will I be incomplete either way? Will there ALWAYS be a hole that I'm trying to fill bc I couldn't make everyone happy. Or is it really all for me? Will the pain ever go away or is it forever mine? Will I ever break the tie between two souls that have no business being connected? Or am I losing a part of my soul if I cut those strings?
Truth is... I don't lie. I hardly feel. And thinking is beginning to hurt. I just want to be free. To be. Believe. Do. And hurt no one. But I'm afraid my heart is too involved with too many people to ever become uninvolved with thoughts of their happiness. What I fear... That because of this, I will never find happiness of my own. Maybe I have but am blinded bc I can't make u as happy as u always made me. U too. There I am again.

S(t)uck in love.

Old loves of valentines day

Love u henry... Oh and tooda

my baby

Beauty and Happiness

Tired to death

I'm exhausted. I wish I just had a minute to sit down and enjoy life. Well, last night with my best friends felt like that. Even if it was just a few hours it was enough fuel to keep me going. Life is on the turn around. I'm just praying for the strength to make it there. I know its coming. I just need to work through this mess. But like my best friend told me... Never fear shadows bc that just means there is a light coming from somewhere.

No Good

I'm still no good. Trash fallen from the trashcan and left on the curb. The furniture that is used and placed on craigslist and when everyone passes... They look and say thats why they gave that shit away for free and drives off pissed. I'm just that. No good. Useless for every mission I have gone out on. I have failed. Every thing I tried to change, I lost. I'm just not the one. I should be alone. I'm not the one for anyone. I need to just be content with the fact that I won't ever be enough. If I was there wouldn't be anyone else. And if I was, I'd be the one.

I'm just a no one. Goodbye world. At least for a long time.

misery (my new favorite word)

My words are forever yours

I have been meaning to write this forever. For months now actually and its crazy that my decision finally became a reality today bc today this means so much more to me than it once did. This is to you. You may not understand why you seem to come last in things like phone conversations and time spent cooling when your at work but the fact is your looking at the picture wrong. This when i first read it was so clearly a boy speaking even if the passage hadnt said she. bc this is how boys love. they show their love in ways you can see and many times poetic words that make you feel good when you hear them. Girls dont do this... i would have come to your door and seen ur eyes in an attempt to show the government that even a lack of words cannot stop my heart from how i love you. It will show in my eyes. just like the fury does when i am angry or the tears show when i am sad. 

i am not saying that it is because i love you more but i believe that my words do not show you the amount of my love. when i first read this i almost cried, whether it be bc of emotional days or just simply bc i loved it and felt for the boy who meet silenced when he called. i feel like at night when you are working hard for us, you feel like this boy does... like i would use all my words on other friends and other people who u think i see as more important. i wouldnt. and if i ever did... i would do things just the way i do now. when talking in this world to me seems so overrated (and still seems to be the only thing you see) i give you love. I lay on you unlike i do on any other human. I roll around on you like i belong in ur face, in your heart, wrapped up between your legs. without speaking, i make a noise to signify happiness when you simply touch or kiss me when i am asleep... no speaking three words that are commonly over used will compare to how ur heart feels when you hear that sound. the fact that we have forehead kisses we could probably save every word for the ones that matter. the real words that will matter when all of this fades to black in a world where everything that seems to be good falls apart for no reason and you are alone. the words i would want you to say would be hello... you are safe with me. my smile would say everything back. 

earlier i asked if you knew that when i walked that walk with my father i would be facing you... you said no. :( but who else would it be... bc i feel safe with you. no matter if my heart knows now or will know in three years. when it knows its ready to save those words. the most perfect words will belong to you. I do. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for understanding where I am right now. and thank you for being that man. The one who would save his words for me. No one will love me like you do. But know that although i may spend time talking to others or i may have run out of words... when my words are worth hearing.... i call you. and when everyone else who i talk to is gone... you will still be there. and most importantly... (and really the whole point) my love for you is perpetual and way stronger than words. Im sorry that I havent done a good job showing you that my words belong to you... but look at my eyes and into my heart, hear my loving sighs and look at me while i laugh and nuzzle into ur arms. no words can tell you more. all im asking is that you look beyond the words and trust in my heart. i love you.

p.s.  just know i know for a fact that although the boy was sad because his girlfriend ran out of words, the girl was sadder bc she feels like she failed the man she loves. and cried true sad tears the whole time he spoke. I want you to know i would rather die than to fail you. I hope you understand that. To my love. My heart. My best friend. To you. My biggest fan. And my lover. Thank you. Please remember these things forever. 

broken

i time travel in your stare, as i stare back i think about the 1 from my past i know its wrong but i love the color of your eyes. When i touch you i feel her but i love the way your skin feels next to my skin, when i hug you i feel her waist but i love the way you fit perfectly in my arms. You lay your head on me and i feel her grade of hair on my naked chest but i love the shampoo you use it smells so fuckin good. Whenever we take pictures i look at us then i find myself skimming through old pics of me and her, but man your the perfect height even in heels we look great together. Whenever we go somewhere i love when you in my passenger seat but she use to drive everywhere but you my fav person to ride with, so much i want a coupe lol.

really...

How do you know when something in the past is just that, When it doesn't haunt you anymore? When it doesn't tempt you? When yall stop talkin all together? Maybe it's when she calls you or messages you out the blue? When you figure your never really over that person? When you just wanna fuck cause it's owed to you? All these questions come up (once again this has nothing to do with the conversation i had with her yesterday afternoon but more about the one i had later that night with him (no homo) and he doesn't know about her) with all this being said everybody thinks about they past loves and/or the 1 that got away. Personally i feel the past is never the past when it comes to Love (i capatalize it cause its important) i mean for the most part theres abunch of them that is just locked away but when you reeeally love that person whether it be for years or abruptly ended for circumstances after weeks or months of being together. They still entire your mind from time to time, shit even the ones that aren't that important you sometimes be like i wonder what so and so is doing, i feel its all about what you do when they are infront of you once again that determines the Future OF your Past. There is no right or wrong just in-the-moment, so i strongly encourage men and women to do what they WANT or FEEL if that person is put infront of you again you HAVE to take advantage of the oppurtunity and either kiss em, talk to em, be like it's good to see you again and leave it at that, fuck they brains out lol, hold them close, tell em you never stopped lovin em, tell em you hate they guts, punch they lights out, get down on 1 knee, just whatever strikes ur fancy, listen to your heart not your mind. I mean the consequences are gonna come whether they good or bad, but the point is that you have to LIVE your life and your FUTURE won't be right until you deal with the PAST in the PRESENT. I mean i know everybody says its in the past for a reason but like i said we'd never sit and think i wonder what so and so it doin

good morning America

this is for the non believers:

thank you God for the struggle because it makes the product of my efforts so much more worth while.

I have had some very bad friends in my lifetime. and because of the things they did to me and the person i allowed them to mold me into... i was and still can be very weary when it comes to trusting people. I know that God has his ways of showing me who I can trust and who is just for fun. Thank you God for Penny. After Dominique, I never thought i would welcome another female friend into my life. What she did to me almost caused me to be dumb enough to lose my life. i am glad i made it to today even if was just to say i did.

It is so easy to recognize how hard it is to be where we are. mad jobs, young, wanting stability, degrees that mean something, to shower, to not want to be sick anymore, to want an itch free life... but the challenge is to recognize the part that isnt a struggle. the struggle is the easy part. its like one of those pictures i used to love to look at when i was young. the optical illusions in the paper every sunday. everyone who looked at it could see the 17 colors in a trippy pattern but only those who cared could see the beautiful rainbow that popped out when you really looked. i think my life is like that. sure, im broke... often. i dont have the life i wanted exactly. i want my own spot. i want better friends. i wanna be someones number one.

but i have money to do everything i want (which is y im prolly broke), i live with the love of my life, our parents met and it went (i dont have a word to describe the perfection that happened when they met) great. i am on the way to forever with my baby and i am his number one. i have good friends. even when i dont wanna see that. i do.  i am ur number one. yes there were others... but u chose me.

so the point is this is a part of life. we wil struggle. we cant move out of america and find a better life. we have to learn how to love our little life just like it is and say thank you for winning the pool and clippers. lol. thanks for diapers when u dont have anything else. lol. thank you for laughter bc in the end of the day thats what i raise my cup to. so... to another great day of a struggle that reassures me im alive and doing exactly what im supposed to. when life is too easy that just means somethings about to go wrong. good night earth...