I have allowed this very word to be the reason I get up in the morning. It is the reason why I enjoy my job. It is the reason why I smile. It is the cause of most of my tears. It is the reason why lonliness is a gap that I cannot seem to fill. I love too hard. And unfortunately, I cannot seem to find someone to love me the same way. Well, to the man that I loved.
You are an amazing man. You introduced me to life. To music. To love.
You're nothing like the man you fear you are becoming. You have hurt me. Yes. Both emotionally and physically. But i would endure every hurtful word and bruise all over again just to hold your hand. I love you more than you will ever know. You are my heart. My love. My reason for continuing to want to live. But now you are gone. And I will miss you. I am sorry that you didnt deem this worth fighting for. Although, it isnt something i see myself understanding in the near future. I trust you. I think back to the years we spent in love. The years that we spent fighting. The years that we spent.... together. Cooking. Making love in the kitchen. Slow dancing to no music. Holding hands. And fighting the world to do it. I think about when you used to come in the door and i would greet you with kisses and we would roll around right there on the floor... and u were still covered in oil. I think about the times we blew. We went so many places together. We fell so in love. We went so far back in time. We were on Cloud 9 while people hated us as we listened to albums together and walked around with our backpacks on. These memories will never fade. They make me who I am.
I think about when you were the only reason that I didnt lose my mind at work. And how i would smile everytime I saw u walk through the door. I remember the nights when we would just lay down and talk. I would run my fingers through your hair and we would cuddle until the sun would come up. Some of my favorite times with you were before everyone even knew. When we would sneak around and laugh because everyone thought but only we truly knew what it was. We went swimming and you would hold me up. And we made love while the neighbors walked their dogs. Sometimes, you left me at school. lol. I would walk home. You always hated when I did that. I always loved it.
I didnt forget about the punches thrown and your bruised arms. The other girls. And the other man. I didnt forget about the nights we spent throwing things and breaking glass and patching buts and healing wounds. I didnt forget about the times my friends had to pick me up off of the floor. And the times I had to hold myself up because everyone walked out because i was thinking about you too much. I still remember those random men... although it does seem like it was ever real. I remember opening my door to them. And then myself. I remember begging for help... I remember blowing til I couldnt remember you. Or me.
...but those things only made for better reunions and stronger love. And when it was happening I couldnt focus. I couldnt go to school or find that desire to want to wake up - or live. But i made it. Surprisingly. And i found my way back into your heart. I think about the nights that we made love at the casino. Just to get away. Some of my favorite memories were there. The salty red beans. The family breakfast. The new foods from your moms. The crazy nights we spent fighting her just trying to get her to bless our love. The night that we spent in the motel when we couldnt see eye to eye. The christmas shopping. The beats. the clothes. The massage. The bulls. The plans. Our future.
I just want you to know that I will never forget you. You have mademore of an impact on me than anyone ever has. You were my best friend and the love of my life. You were my drug. You were the only thing I ever needed to feel high. To feel comfortable. you were the only man that ever made me feel beautiful in my most vulnerable form. You made me fall in love with who I was. The mornings we spent in the bathroom. The nights we spent in the bed. The kisses that made me fall even more in love just one month ago. Sing with me... really sing... "be my friend"
Im so sorry for allowing anyone to come between us. the girls and the boy. We had a love stronger than all of that. A beautiful love. We should have fought for that.
"i will love til the end of time... Promise that you'll remember that your mine."
