bye bye bloggy.

im done blogging. the only person that ever read it for real was that bitch. I have a diary for a reason. and seems like the same person who reads this now... seems to find no problem with reading my diary. goodbye. honestly i had fun.

... no need to CLING on to anything. im a hippie... a free spirit. its time i start acting like one. fuck this bitch.

Music... You are the REAL thing.

an excerpt from "high" - to come... maybe


Man, music. U made me fall in love so many times. U taught me how to really hate. It was u that taught me how to cry. It was not the case… a situation… the man. It was u that made my heart recognize that I was alone.

It was u that taught me that I had to grow up. It was u that made my lose my virginity. It was u that but the weakness in my knees and u that put a tingle in my soul. It was u that made me realize that I had in fact fallin a victim to cupid and his arrow. It was u that made me remember that in that journey I was alone. U, love, is what made me who I am. U have intensified every emotion that I have ever felt I was with u that I have most of my memories.

My best sex, my hardest fall, my biggest achievements with my closest of friends, with my man… with these men, with them all. With her. U stood by me. U made me love, u made me cry. U are in me. U are me. And u live in me. U bring out the best and the worst of me… u. music. ♫

Thoughts of a Lonely Friday Night

Sometimes when you have become accustomed to hours and hours of pure loneliness, you become weirdly emotional. Everything seems to be intensified. Fear. Every noise is something you never heard before. Sadness. Every beat seems to be crying almost. Happiness. It almost seems unreal. The amount of joy you experience from a movies ending or a good bite of a sandwich. Like for one second everything is ok and you are not alone. Then… you hear that noise. Fuck. Im scared. Why am I alone… sadness. I love this song… happiness. What a viscous cycle. Booo.

I hate when people text me. And when you call they don’t answer. I thought u weren’t busy. Is there something wrong? Are you not where u said you were. Are you with someone you aren’t with? Who knows… I know I never will. When phone calls go unanswered always but texts are returned. Whose voice shouldn’t I hear? We never change do we. There is no one there. I never change do I? Just believe. Right? It is so hard when that’s all I did the first time. Believed. In something bigger. In us.

There are so many things to say after a long week with the men you love. 1. Thank God for having the opportunity to have two of the four (or five) men I love in this world, love one another. Now maybe you see why I love each of you. There are always two sides to each story. 2. My soap is slowly coming back to life. It just needed some love and a hug. Maybe you’re just a bar of soap. You need me to hold you and I need you to feel clean… and good. 3. There is probably a list of 97 million things to say about this week with you, my love… but I can only think of one thing. 

so... here it is... every way i can and cant say it. and it still isnt enough to describe what you mean to me...

English - I love you

Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumem
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bengali - Ami tomake bhalobashi (pronounced: Amee toe-ma-kee bhalo-bashee)
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Soro lahn nhee ah
Catalan - T'estimo
Cherokee - Tsi ge yu i
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Cantonese - Ngo oiy ney a
Mandarin - Wo ai ni
Comanche - U kamakutu nu (pronounced oo----ka-ma-koo-too-----nu)
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Cree - Kisakihitin
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
Elf - Shapotoyoyoi (from The Roggies)
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Afgreki'
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Frisian - Ik hald fan dy
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hoo thunay prem karoo choo
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha Au Ia`oe
Hebrew - To male -  "Ohevet ot'cha" (said by female)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese - Aishiteru or Anata ga daisuki desu
Kannada - Naanu ninna preetisuttene
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili - Nakupenda
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
Korean - Sarang Heyo or Nanun tangshinul sarang hamnida
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Luxembourgeois - Ech hun dech gaer
Macedonian - Te Sakam
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Maltese - Inhobbok
Marathi - Me tula prem karto
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Ndebele - Niyakutanda
Bokmaal - Jeg elsker deg
Nyonrsk - Eg elskar deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish - Kocham Ciebie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te iubesc
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing 'I Love You')
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu`bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Surinam - Mi lobi joe
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Nan unnai kathalikaraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai - Chan rak khun

Informal - Rak te
Tunisian - Ha eh bak
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu di 
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe
Zazi - Ezhele hezdege
Zuni - Tom ho' ichema

for the first time ever...

i have to much to say to blog. lol. more to come. lots more.

Goodbye to You.

Goodbye to you my one and only love.

I would hate to end things on the note that we did. So simple. So short. So insincere.

However... because I have forced to grow up faster than I would wish to... i did not have any other option. You my love are so beautiful. You are everything that a man longs to be. Fun, sweet, loving, and oh, so gentle. You touch makes me melt because it seems I have always belonged right there in ur grasp.

It is funny how every single person in the whole world tells the same story... at least once. Why do you always have to fall in love with the one who wont love u back?

viscous cycle that love... (u - ashley; me - u; joe - me)

forever is as long as it seems. and it will be how long i choose to live without u since my decision to live with u for that same amount of time... seemed ify "sometimes"

i am not a writer. that is who you are. But i do know how to follow through with decisions i make.
...like a few days ago me and my best friend in the world at the time (seems like these days i am running out of friends... bc sadly it has only been like 2 days and we arent friends anymore - even tho i had just confided in him about how i thought he was the only friend i had left... life scared him away so im alone) decided that we would let go of all of our pain. a goodbye note to pain.

Who knew at the time... i would be saying goodbye to you when i wrote it.

FATAL ... literally... mistake. believing u loved me in round 1. damn. what a bitch to believe again. ppl always did say i was a bitch.

i hope that everyone in this world is happy. bc i thought for a while there it was we against the world. now i look about as stupid as she... all along it was just me.

remember this when u lie ur head to rest. you will always be the man of my dreams... so every night i will see u and smile. I wish that you find the girl of yours. I am sorry I could not be her. But I am not the kind of girl you want.

Traits in the Perfect Girl for u:
Bitch
Mean
Fake
Bad Friend
FLAKY
Pretty/Sexy

Traits in the One who Loved You
Bitch
Nice
Genuine
Die Hard Friend
Consistent in her Desires
Beautiful

well im a bitch. lol.

When you find that girl... the one when forever seems like a pleasure - bc thats what it sounded like to me - i hope for only one thing... that i get to shake her hand. (and maybe sing that broken road song by rascall flatts song to her) bc who cares who u stepped on in the process. u finally found the dream girl.

i died... never shaking her hand. u have to learn to put someone ahead of u to fall in love. man... loneliness will suck. i promise to write. send a postcard from a happy place. u will love the pictures because i know u must have never seen what it looks like there... every time i tried to vacation there... when we got close... we got lost. u always seemed to push it away. well u cant steal from me. and i will hike there. ALONE.

embarrassment

embarrassment is covering my whole body. i have chills comin up my spine like they have a home there.

it is like a blanket that covers you when you are warm. but then u find out that it is thin and full of holes. u are still freezing with this hard piece of cover laying over u. looking like the answer... the security. it was all a mirage. u wake up...

frozen. heart of stone. dead.

disappointment

why wont u grow up? fighting over a girl you dont even want.

put urself in his shoes. what if a nigga did that to me?

when will u realize ur just too old for this...

genuinely sad...

JC

Satisfaction!

Funny word that satisfaction. I have learned to love people in ways that I do not believe some people find in their whole lives. I do not only mean love as IN love... jus being me and loving. I do not know why I am the way i am. but in a fear of hurting everyone else I have become dirty. footprints all over my soul. The craziest thing about me is not that I love though. Its that I love and I forgive... really a quality package. lol. It is what every person I have ever met says is my biggest fault. You let people use u... u forgive too easily. The same people who tell me that... use me and need to be forgiven. I sit back and enjoy the crazy twist but I never really allow it to tear at me. If the faults of my friends got to me... id always be down. So i love because it is easier and waaaay more fun than hate. NO one gets that tho. people just think im soft.

... whats wrong with being soft. i like to cuddle.

well here i am. not with anyone but completely tied down yours. happy. o. waiting on a text. o. def wasnt thinking id be here... now. p. no disappointment.s. its late... sleep is real. satisfied. hmmm... does that conflict with true happiness. is satisfaction only the bottom layer of it all or with every level of pure bliss is satisfaction a large part.

of all my mental notes... this probably makes the least sense cents... at least thats what they say... its all about money. i would hope not... bc its not something i have too much of. but i do preach on its lack of importance.

playing a role of someone i am not was almost painfully SATISFYING (there u are again Satisfaction... u must like me) a car over my love? nah... i will pass. but just that look. the look that i understood. that comfort... no wonder people lie. that look is true happiness.
Who in the world wouldnt want to make someone else feel like for one second someone understands you. I am not judging you and I feel the same way. That one sec when you speak that lie and they look you in your eyes...there u are my old friend satisfaction. lets cuddle. (sorry friend... it is a catch 22... im not as soft as i used to be)

Missing u.

look at u oil... look at u.

New Orleans.

"Lets make new memories together instead of living in the old ones that you walked away from"

... only thing it reminded me of was when why you were the last few times. and how we laid on that same sofa months before. and I'm sure somewhere in the middle you were there with someone else.

Man no where is safe. Im not safe from my brain.

"if yall are gonna fight the world... it better be FOREVER not for no 7 month relationship"
... good point. damn. poor baby, thats probably what was thought there too. am i just like that? God please save me if i am. that is the last person in the world i would wanna be like.

I never understood the concept of overthinking til right now.

i think i have been successfully overthinking. boo to my thoughts.

i am over thinking.

shhh...

I was there once...

"No. Do NOT go to lunch. Why would you even want to do that. You make no sense child. You sat right here and told me it was over. You ruined your family behind this. What in this world would possess you to want to go to lunch. the correct response is NO."

"God will do right by you for honoring him. I know its hard. But he doesnt wanna see you get hurt"

"I think he feels bad bc he never honors our boy problems as real problems. When we are sad about boys he never says much. Just gives us that generic advice. 'There are plenty of fish in the sea' and 'soon you will be the one breaking hearts. it will be ok.' And then you were too far down and he hadnt paid attention. Now he feels guilty." (Then... I had almost died. I guess i caught his attention)

but then...

he was there once. he was that guy. he broke hearts. he left. he cheated. he fought. he is the greatest man I have ever met and to hear him say he laid hands on a woman... all i thought was well damn... everyone makes mistakes. Everyone grows up at some point. right? I would die to meet someone who is half of him. But im not even sure that they exist in my eyes. He is so high. So now... I look through his eyes and my heart is starting to melt. It is quite sexual. hmmm... and they werent. NO direct eye contact when i say marriage or love. We are young. Forever is forever. That is too much for anyone to want when they could want something completely different 3 months ago.

makes you wonder whats real. or even if you are real. maybe im just floating here above everyone else... maybe that night i died. And now im watching the aftermath of what happened bc i did. I sure am starting to master the art of feeling that way anyway.

the only man i ever loved. was there. and feels like he is there again with me. do i wanna hurt him? i only long to make him proud. i think im failing.

I hate you. You have no idea how ur dumb tricks have ruined our lives. Why do you have to be just like her? Why couldn't you understand the importance of a real friend. YOU DONT DO THIS TO REAL FRIENDS. and now the one you "loved" has to suffer. This isnt ok. Its not as simple as writing a blog and moving on. Fights end in divorce. Pills end in death. Fuck you for being the worst friend I ever had. People are fake but you are not real. There is nothing in you that is genuine. You are disgusting. I hate you. Thank you though. For making me suffer and for allowing me to realize just how terrible you are. We will stand hand and hand and fight. I dont give a fuck bc nothing is permanent. And the thing that kills me most is I think if you knew it would have ended like this (because honestly who wouldnt have foreseen this... i believe anyone with eyes and a brain could... maybe thats why you didnt) I think you would still have done it. Just to hurt me. Well you wont win. But some love you are because you have ruined too many lives. You are the sorriest excuse for a friend. I hope everyone you ever meet will see that in you. You should come with a warning label. You care about no one. And i genuinely hope one day you feel true karma and know what it feels like to have no one care about u.

yep

Call you on the phone
You are never home
You say dat you gone
handling business
So babe
I hear that everyday
All i can do is pray
you not losing interest
Its hard
2 know you got my heart
2 watch me fall apart
every time you DON'T CALL
Its cool
but don't think im a fool
We all got things 2 do
but we make time 4 what we want


Your al-al-al ways
(Your al-al-al ways)
Your al-al-al ways
Bu-sy


I let you do your thing
not get in your way
And try not 2 complain
but its like its useless
Cause you
just take it as its cool
2 con-tinue 2 do
whatever like i'm stupid
Im not
i just love you alot
And im not gonna stop
I just need a little talking
What 4
2 keep my heart on course
Or else i might be force 2 find love SOMEWHERE ELSE


Your al-al-al ways
(Your al-al-al ways)
Your al-al-al ways
Bu-sy


"Hello"
If you dont want 2 be here LET ME KNOW
"Can i call you back in like 3 minutes"
If you dont really love me LET ME GO
"Yo,you tripping i did not send you 2 voicemail"
"I was on the phone"
Dont keep me holding on
"No,No,No see my phone just been tripping lately"
Let my heart go somewhere it belong
"My momma on the other line"


Your al-al-al ways
(Your al-al-al ways)
Your al-al-al ways
Bu-sy

Some days... suck

life... is too short.

:_(

i wish i could just touch people and heal them with the things i believe about them. just make them feel better with my thoughts. i really love people. hard. everyone really. except for like 2 ppl. and even them. i wouldnt ever want them to hurt.

maybe if i promise to dedicate the rest of my life to something bigger... if i touch you you will heal. maybe i can suck the pain right out of u. so that u will know that eveything will be ok. maybe i can take it from u. maybe i can go instead. i will find a way to convey every thought so that b4 you ever get a chance to hurt... i will stand at your side and love u. with everything i have. u wont leave. you will be ok.

i trust in God with everything that i have. i know He will help me. i need you to trust Him too.
pray with me please. Hold my hand. and tell me things will work out. tell me it was a mistake. tell me it was just another lie. u needed my attention bc i wasnt there. tell me u love me and u wont leave. tell me these tears will be of joy bc u will call me with good news.

what is postive about this? i hate this world.

Dead

I havent felt like this in a while. no clever trickery. no good spacing. just dead.

i feel like a kids favorite game. he plays so much he just gets tired of it. and then once he goes away for awhile he came back and the game seems more fun bc of the break he took. like a little more exciting. but then the kid remembers how to play and starts getting into the groove of things. now he starts using the tricks he used to and it is obvious that history will repeat itself. and like b4... the kid will grow tired.it all starts out the same. damn u games. whatever happened to reading?

if i were a book. then the first time u read a book you dog-ear the pages you loved and highlight the quotes you wanna remember (at least i do... im a real active reader) and then a kid goes back and reads his old books... he finds lines that he didnt see before. that directly relate to where he is in life now. u know... everytime u read it - depending on what you're going through - u get a something different.

but how can you get something different... when what u put in is the EXACT same.

fuck the bears. go hibernate.

Morning After...

When you make that leap and you have sex with someone you have 800 thoughts rushing your mind the morning after...

... did he like it?
does he think im a hoe?
am i a hoe?
man... i was fucked up?

then you find out that he doesnt think u r a hoe... and he falls in love.

... is it too soon?
why does he love me?
is he using me for sex?
am i using him?

but then yall start to talk... and how can you not when the only person you want to talk to is the poster child for lyfe jennings - busy.

... am i that way too?
does he know how much it hurts?
maybe im just overthinkin...
am i just scared?

well "good" convo. no good morning. no hello.

the only thing thats worse that the 2 million questions about what the morning after means... is no morning after. he was already gone.

The Greatest What If of All

What if you had gotten ur shit together and not left?
What if you had not lied?
What if you had called when I lost my child?
What if when you finally called I never answered?
What if I died?
What if I died?
What if i died?

(What would my mom have said?
What about Erin?
What about my daddy?... he would have been so mad at me.
What about my dreams?
Would anyone remember?
Would you have ever changed?
What if it was enough to shake you?
... what is enough to shake u?)

What if I said yes?
What if I say yes?
What if I say goodbye to you?
What if I gave you one piece of what you gave me?
What if you grew up?
What if you knew what you wanted?
What if when you called... i said im talkin to someone else right now... im really happy. how r u? how have you been? yeah we can be friends... but thats all. bc i like where im at. (i often think about y i hadnt taken this approach)

What if u realized that "what if" is just a question. and that if you didnt spend so much time wondering you might still have a friend.
What if you realized that the difference between a boy and a man is looking and chasing...
What if you realized I was the real thing...
What if its too late?

What if I didnt love u?
... well, we will never know. because you left me... murdered me... watched me die... and i still find myself standing by your side.

What if life made sense? I guess things would be a lot easier then. Too bad. They dont.

I PRAY that you realize that the point of a what if is to wonder... to make crazy scenarios... i play it all the time with gracie and on occasion with other friends. to wonder about the endless opportunities that this crazy life we have can offer us. but the thing is the scenarios we make we leave at that... hurting no one. leaving no one to be alone. jus a game. life isnt a game. but to u it was jus a gamble. u lost.

Fresh Prince

You know how when you are watching a tv show and the actor changes everyone acts the same. Like Fresh Prince when all of a sudden Vivian was played by a bright skinned, slightly shorter lady... huh? Well, the cast members act the same. and they dont mention that their mother (or aunt) has magically changed skin tones and is a completely different human. And as for the viewers... there is a little chatter around the neighborhood... did u see that vivian changed and so on and so forth... but then it all fades and everyone does the same things they always did. they laugh and joke and the watch tv and continue on like nothing even changed. creating new memories with this new person.

... welcome to my life.

but this time i took it back.