I think that i spend so much time loving because for so much of my life I have longed for someone to love me back. Ad i love so hard because I try ad give every single person every single piece of me so that they will realize how much i have to offer ad want nothing more than to love me back. ad they will see how dedicated I am and want someone to feel that way about them o they will love me back.
I failed. almost every time.
I have not done good with this whole lose my best friend thing. At first what hurt the mot was that he had replaced me for another girl. And it def seemed as if maybe that was because of romance. But the truth is that i felt like the toke girl i his life. Just there to say you have one and then a soon as he found someone who was better at life and pleasing him than i was... i was gone. And that loss of that friendship burned me to my core. One day I cried and I asked my mom... "Why do I make it so easy to walk away from me?" I saw in her face that she was heartbroken to hear her daughter believe that about herself. But it was truly how i felt. I had hurt my mom so many times because of him. On Thanksgiving, it was more obvious. She asked me to leave him alone. She said i deserved better. I wish i listened... what came the following days would be the reason my heart is still aching. damn. guess mom does know best. but mom, why does it hurt so bad? why cant she tell me that...
next... i don't have enough. How did this happen to me??? how did i go from not ever being enough to being to much. and whatever way i am on the spectrum... it all hurts. and i'm alone. I wish that i could just be different. be like them. I wish when i opened the message the very instant i read it through a tear didn't fall. And with every word sent and received after had the same effect. And then when I said it out loud i lot control. And let loose of all the pain that has plagued me lately... the pain that has come with the responses no... every time i hope to hold your hand.
Well there goes my dreams as I had planned. My husband and best man gone... all at once. That's how things have always happened tho. hen it rains it pours. Maybe I am not perfect. But i know that I'm good. And i have allowed that perception of myself change due to the words above... but I'm trying to fix that.
It just becomes so clear some days... its not just the 2 classic people that make my heart sad. its her. Its the fact that I did more for you than anyone else ever has. My family took you in... And I would still do more for you than anyone that is your friend. And I still offer to be there for you. Why cant you love me? What did I do? I loved you like my sister. And the pain I feel when I see you and know i do not know anything about you because you told me. How can I be in the same room with you and we barely speak. You were my everything. Why are you gone? I cant ever talk about it. It hurts. Bad. So i pretend like it doesn't hurt at all. And i barely notice that we were ever friends... but i remember and if i ever forget seeing you every time reminds me.
Anyway... I am happy for moments passed and long for present moments. But i KNOW that moments in my future will lack this loneliness and this longing. Just praying that I get to those moments... and strength for the pain now.
HH<3Broken...
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sunday, November 20, 2011
to You. the only Man i Loved.
I have allowed this very word to be the reason I get up in the morning. It is the reason why I enjoy my job. It is the reason why I smile. It is the cause of most of my tears. It is the reason why lonliness is a gap that I cannot seem to fill. I love too hard. And unfortunately, I cannot seem to find someone to love me the same way. Well, to the man that I loved.
You are an amazing man. You introduced me to life. To music. To love.
You're nothing like the man you fear you are becoming. You have hurt me. Yes. Both emotionally and physically. But i would endure every hurtful word and bruise all over again just to hold your hand. I love you more than you will ever know. You are my heart. My love. My reason for continuing to want to live. But now you are gone. And I will miss you. I am sorry that you didnt deem this worth fighting for. Although, it isnt something i see myself understanding in the near future. I trust you. I think back to the years we spent in love. The years that we spent fighting. The years that we spent.... together. Cooking. Making love in the kitchen. Slow dancing to no music. Holding hands. And fighting the world to do it. I think about when you used to come in the door and i would greet you with kisses and we would roll around right there on the floor... and u were still covered in oil. I think about the times we blew. We went so many places together. We fell so in love. We went so far back in time. We were on Cloud 9 while people hated us as we listened to albums together and walked around with our backpacks on. These memories will never fade. They make me who I am.
I think about when you were the only reason that I didnt lose my mind at work. And how i would smile everytime I saw u walk through the door. I remember the nights when we would just lay down and talk. I would run my fingers through your hair and we would cuddle until the sun would come up. Some of my favorite times with you were before everyone even knew. When we would sneak around and laugh because everyone thought but only we truly knew what it was. We went swimming and you would hold me up. And we made love while the neighbors walked their dogs. Sometimes, you left me at school. lol. I would walk home. You always hated when I did that. I always loved it.
I didnt forget about the punches thrown and your bruised arms. The other girls. And the other man. I didnt forget about the nights we spent throwing things and breaking glass and patching buts and healing wounds. I didnt forget about the times my friends had to pick me up off of the floor. And the times I had to hold myself up because everyone walked out because i was thinking about you too much. I still remember those random men... although it does seem like it was ever real. I remember opening my door to them. And then myself. I remember begging for help... I remember blowing til I couldnt remember you. Or me.
...but those things only made for better reunions and stronger love. And when it was happening I couldnt focus. I couldnt go to school or find that desire to want to wake up - or live. But i made it. Surprisingly. And i found my way back into your heart. I think about the nights that we made love at the casino. Just to get away. Some of my favorite memories were there. The salty red beans. The family breakfast. The new foods from your moms. The crazy nights we spent fighting her just trying to get her to bless our love. The night that we spent in the motel when we couldnt see eye to eye. The christmas shopping. The beats. the clothes. The massage. The bulls. The plans. Our future.
I just want you to know that I will never forget you. You have mademore of an impact on me than anyone ever has. You were my best friend and the love of my life. You were my drug. You were the only thing I ever needed to feel high. To feel comfortable. you were the only man that ever made me feel beautiful in my most vulnerable form. You made me fall in love with who I was. The mornings we spent in the bathroom. The nights we spent in the bed. The kisses that made me fall even more in love just one month ago. Sing with me... really sing... "be my friend"
Im so sorry for allowing anyone to come between us. the girls and the boy. We had a love stronger than all of that. A beautiful love. We should have fought for that.
"i will love til the end of time... Promise that you'll remember that your mine."
You are an amazing man. You introduced me to life. To music. To love.
You're nothing like the man you fear you are becoming. You have hurt me. Yes. Both emotionally and physically. But i would endure every hurtful word and bruise all over again just to hold your hand. I love you more than you will ever know. You are my heart. My love. My reason for continuing to want to live. But now you are gone. And I will miss you. I am sorry that you didnt deem this worth fighting for. Although, it isnt something i see myself understanding in the near future. I trust you. I think back to the years we spent in love. The years that we spent fighting. The years that we spent.... together. Cooking. Making love in the kitchen. Slow dancing to no music. Holding hands. And fighting the world to do it. I think about when you used to come in the door and i would greet you with kisses and we would roll around right there on the floor... and u were still covered in oil. I think about the times we blew. We went so many places together. We fell so in love. We went so far back in time. We were on Cloud 9 while people hated us as we listened to albums together and walked around with our backpacks on. These memories will never fade. They make me who I am.
I think about when you were the only reason that I didnt lose my mind at work. And how i would smile everytime I saw u walk through the door. I remember the nights when we would just lay down and talk. I would run my fingers through your hair and we would cuddle until the sun would come up. Some of my favorite times with you were before everyone even knew. When we would sneak around and laugh because everyone thought but only we truly knew what it was. We went swimming and you would hold me up. And we made love while the neighbors walked their dogs. Sometimes, you left me at school. lol. I would walk home. You always hated when I did that. I always loved it.
I didnt forget about the punches thrown and your bruised arms. The other girls. And the other man. I didnt forget about the nights we spent throwing things and breaking glass and patching buts and healing wounds. I didnt forget about the times my friends had to pick me up off of the floor. And the times I had to hold myself up because everyone walked out because i was thinking about you too much. I still remember those random men... although it does seem like it was ever real. I remember opening my door to them. And then myself. I remember begging for help... I remember blowing til I couldnt remember you. Or me.
...but those things only made for better reunions and stronger love. And when it was happening I couldnt focus. I couldnt go to school or find that desire to want to wake up - or live. But i made it. Surprisingly. And i found my way back into your heart. I think about the nights that we made love at the casino. Just to get away. Some of my favorite memories were there. The salty red beans. The family breakfast. The new foods from your moms. The crazy nights we spent fighting her just trying to get her to bless our love. The night that we spent in the motel when we couldnt see eye to eye. The christmas shopping. The beats. the clothes. The massage. The bulls. The plans. Our future.
I just want you to know that I will never forget you. You have mademore of an impact on me than anyone ever has. You were my best friend and the love of my life. You were my drug. You were the only thing I ever needed to feel high. To feel comfortable. you were the only man that ever made me feel beautiful in my most vulnerable form. You made me fall in love with who I was. The mornings we spent in the bathroom. The nights we spent in the bed. The kisses that made me fall even more in love just one month ago. Sing with me... really sing... "be my friend"
Im so sorry for allowing anyone to come between us. the girls and the boy. We had a love stronger than all of that. A beautiful love. We should have fought for that.
"i will love til the end of time... Promise that you'll remember that your mine."
Monday, October 10, 2011
life!
My life is exactly where it needs to be in order for me to be happy. I may not have all my ducks in a row just yet but i know that i am getting them together and I will be happy.
I am not known by millions
disliked by many
but loved by those that matter.
Thank you to those that matter. you have changed my life. gotten me through the worst and best times of my life. Thank you for keeping me stable while still allowing me to fly. to those who made a difference... you will never be forgotten
I love you. all. and i am happy because of you. and iwll stay happy for you. No one is worth my peace. And i am happy to have it back.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Empty
In this world, u come in contact with so many people. And while some of those people are just passing though and never make a serious impact, one will be the one you marry. One will be your best friend. One will be so cool, you want to chill with them all the time. While one will be your worst enemy. And many will fall in and out of these categories and end up passing through.
To all those who have made a difference and stayed for a little longer... fuck you. You have truly proved yourselves to be the worst of all. With the exception of maybe 1 or 2 people who are not directly related to me... I have become a massive ball of trash. Easily tossed aside by everyone who once treasured who I was. And then they ask... what happened to u??? Where did u go??? How can I be they same person??? Tell me someone. I have been cheated on, ignored, left, neglected, played, and most importantly LIED to by the people I love most in the world. So I think it must be me. And it must be. So I refuse to talk to these people again. I allowed them to kill my spirits and I feel dead.
From my "best friend" to my best friend to my ex (who can't stand the thought of being my ex but can't seem to tell the truth)... I have been shit on too many times to really count.
I hate men. I have never been that girl before... but I quickly became her when since I've been single I have been hit on by at LEAST 5 different MARRIED men. Only making me realize... it doesn't stop after u get married. Cheaters cheat and liars lie.
And to my bestie, thank u. Half of ur life (literally) has been devoted to trying to get me out of that trust everyone bullshit I always seem to do (no matter how many times it has proved me to be an idiot). U succeeded. Bc u were one of the last people on earth I trusted and u fucked that up pretty terribly. But I guess its like they say... it was fun while it lasted. Kinda.
To this cruel word... I have finally become the creature everyone has always wanted me to be. I don't care. Just like all of you. I guess its true what they say about this dumb world being hell. When u lift that veil... all I see is horror.
And if that's how u feel... hang up. That's how I feel... thanks for understanding.
And last but not least... she's different. My only prayer is she gets the fuck away from u b4 u play her and fuck her clean over too.
Goodbye. This time... I mean it.
To all those who have made a difference and stayed for a little longer... fuck you. You have truly proved yourselves to be the worst of all. With the exception of maybe 1 or 2 people who are not directly related to me... I have become a massive ball of trash. Easily tossed aside by everyone who once treasured who I was. And then they ask... what happened to u??? Where did u go??? How can I be they same person??? Tell me someone. I have been cheated on, ignored, left, neglected, played, and most importantly LIED to by the people I love most in the world. So I think it must be me. And it must be. So I refuse to talk to these people again. I allowed them to kill my spirits and I feel dead.
From my "best friend" to my best friend to my ex (who can't stand the thought of being my ex but can't seem to tell the truth)... I have been shit on too many times to really count.
I hate men. I have never been that girl before... but I quickly became her when since I've been single I have been hit on by at LEAST 5 different MARRIED men. Only making me realize... it doesn't stop after u get married. Cheaters cheat and liars lie.
And to my bestie, thank u. Half of ur life (literally) has been devoted to trying to get me out of that trust everyone bullshit I always seem to do (no matter how many times it has proved me to be an idiot). U succeeded. Bc u were one of the last people on earth I trusted and u fucked that up pretty terribly. But I guess its like they say... it was fun while it lasted. Kinda.
To this cruel word... I have finally become the creature everyone has always wanted me to be. I don't care. Just like all of you. I guess its true what they say about this dumb world being hell. When u lift that veil... all I see is horror.
And if that's how u feel... hang up. That's how I feel... thanks for understanding.
And last but not least... she's different. My only prayer is she gets the fuck away from u b4 u play her and fuck her clean over too.
Goodbye. This time... I mean it.
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Saturday, July 23, 2011
Single
Damn... I'm single.
S - solo
I - independent
N - nieve
G - giddy
L - LOVING
E - extra lonely.
I'm torn on how to feel. Gn.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Diary of a lonely girl
What happens when u think that u have finally got everything u wanted right in ur hands and life is finally going as planned?
Thoughts.
Thoughts that u don't know or don't really have what u thought u did. Thoughts that someone else may be better. And what happens with those thoughts is they expound and begin building on something else.
Lies.
Lies are more powerful than thoughts bc they can shape and change ur thoughts at will. To believe that I believed in something and find that its a lie is hard. It brings me to a place of pain.
Pain.
Pain exists in a world where lies begin to mold your thoughts and friend become enemies and lovers become bitter exes. And life becomes confusing. Pain is the root of all problems. U begin to hate ur job and ur friends for no apparent reason besides that there are other issues in ur life that have got u so confused that u push away everything that in one sense makes sense and in another can't help. U begin a downward spiral into another life completely. All because of love.
Love.
Love is everything. Falling in love is where the problem comes in. I love hard. I love four ppl in the world that are outside of my family. By that I only mean true love. Love like I do my own family and my one day husband and children. I don't know many people who love four people that way. As four is a high number to be giving out that type of love to. However, four people have managed to truly capture my heart. To those four: u know who u are. The problem is that all four of u have my heart in a place that makes me want ur happiness at all times. Above my own or anyone else outside of u. And I would do anything to help u succeed and provide what I believe is best for u.
Now pain finds its way into my life due to a series of lies that created thoughts that make it impossible for me to produce u with the happiness u all deserve. I am aware of what may be best for u but in providing that service am I breaking someone else? And the person I am breaking happens to also be a person I love. And by not doing what I think is best for one to not hurt another, am i only hurting myself? Will I be incomplete either way? Will there ALWAYS be a hole that I'm trying to fill bc I couldn't make everyone happy. Or is it really all for me? Will the pain ever go away or is it forever mine? Will I ever break the tie between two souls that have no business being connected? Or am I losing a part of my soul if I cut those strings?
Truth is... I don't lie. I hardly feel. And thinking is beginning to hurt. I just want to be free. To be. Believe. Do. And hurt no one. But I'm afraid my heart is too involved with too many people to ever become uninvolved with thoughts of their happiness. What I fear... That because of this, I will never find happiness of my own. Maybe I have but am blinded bc I can't make u as happy as u always made me. U too. There I am again.
S(t)uck in love.
Monday, May 2, 2011
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