i love the sound of music. it soothes me in a way i cannot quite explain.
I wish i was high. I love it so much more when I am up there. But i quit so u dont think that will be happening soon.
when i think about my life and really reexamine all of the things i have been through, all the words that have been said, the things i thought i wanted vs the things i wanted... i laugh. it is an awesome feeling of being whole that comes to mind.
anyway... lost my vibe but most importantly...
ladybugs???
Thursday, December 30, 2010
hilarity
yesterday ur pissed bc we dont, today u have no desire to.
one day ur "obsessed", and the next night you dont even wanna talk.
i would rather die than live without u. but i wish i knew what emotion i was living for. everyday is something different. im going crazy. im so blessed. and still i dont know what to expect. like ive said time and time again.
I AM NEVER RIGHT. y didnt i wanna talk yesterday, y do i wanna talk today. i only have to be at work for us in 7 hrs and i still have to wake up n get ready so im lookin at bout 5 hrs of sleep bc i was such a bitch yesterday to u, i was like imma stay awake bc he always wants to talk. "well, im going to bed."
well... there i am...
WRONG. AGAIN.
i will never do the right thing. ever. so i guess i should get comfy here. i must say its cold but im already becoming numb from it... soon i wont feel it anymore. i will be just like her. always trying to measure up and never quite making it. defending her lover with every once of her bc shes so used to it, it almost seems right.
heres to the rest of our lives... may my numbness come quickly so my pain becomes minimal and my failures, dimmed.
all - nighter
i waited up all night... for...
nothing ever goes the way i plan. sweepy time.
man, what a week of things i dont care to know.
u just arent the same. not on that. i just want to go to sleep.
nothing ever goes the way i plan. sweepy time.
man, what a week of things i dont care to know.
u just arent the same. not on that. i just want to go to sleep.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
50
all i do is work.
and the funny thing is all u think i do is play - with everyone - but you (all i dream about is playing with you)
every moment of everyday im either talking about u, doing something for u, or thinking about u. but u think im always somewhere else.
--- ur not the only one in love... (at least thats what i tell myself)
til death do us part shouldnt mean u want to kill who i am.
tears that never stop falling. misery, come and join me. make urself at home.
the funny think is, its all for u. like you dont get paid for three weeks. u havent bought one single christmas present. you couldnt come see me. i came to you. bought every gift you needed. broke my fuckin back to hustle for us. and now im fussed at for doing it.
i am not good enough. ever. and i never will be. i am a giving person and you hate it. i love ppl and u want me to stop. then y did u choose me? ive been this way.
im so sad. i cry bc u really dont know its all for u. to be able to see u and do whatever we want. to be able to afford your christmas gifts. to be able to buy them for ur family. i have made a g in a week in a half. im doped up on vicodin, limping around, sleep deprived, and exhausted. yet...
im working too much, im buying too much for ronnie, im not done yet, im gonna become a pill head, i need to chill out but ur pissed bc i fall asleep (wth else can i do. im dead tired and try and wait up for u everynight), i dont sleep enough and when i fall asleep bc i cant take it anymore... i didnt charge my phone.
i will never me good enough. (note the "bottom" line.)
what about my heartache. u dont know what it feels like to have to sit down so i dont pass out bc of meds. and to have to smile and laugh in order to make a dollar to support my family when my man wants me around and do all of it just to see him and have money in our acct. and when i get there hes gone and "gone" and blaming it on contacts.
to put every other man aside and find the only one i want in my phone.
to love one man with all my heart and be accused of loving everyone else too much. what else can i do???? :'(
it doesnt matter what i do. it isnt going to be enough.
_________never enough_________
and the funny thing is all u think i do is play - with everyone - but you (all i dream about is playing with you)
every moment of everyday im either talking about u, doing something for u, or thinking about u. but u think im always somewhere else.
--- ur not the only one in love... (at least thats what i tell myself)
til death do us part shouldnt mean u want to kill who i am.
tears that never stop falling. misery, come and join me. make urself at home.
the funny think is, its all for u. like you dont get paid for three weeks. u havent bought one single christmas present. you couldnt come see me. i came to you. bought every gift you needed. broke my fuckin back to hustle for us. and now im fussed at for doing it.
i am not good enough. ever. and i never will be. i am a giving person and you hate it. i love ppl and u want me to stop. then y did u choose me? ive been this way.
im so sad. i cry bc u really dont know its all for u. to be able to see u and do whatever we want. to be able to afford your christmas gifts. to be able to buy them for ur family. i have made a g in a week in a half. im doped up on vicodin, limping around, sleep deprived, and exhausted. yet...
im working too much, im buying too much for ronnie, im not done yet, im gonna become a pill head, i need to chill out but ur pissed bc i fall asleep (wth else can i do. im dead tired and try and wait up for u everynight), i dont sleep enough and when i fall asleep bc i cant take it anymore... i didnt charge my phone.
i will never me good enough. (note the "bottom" line.)
what about my heartache. u dont know what it feels like to have to sit down so i dont pass out bc of meds. and to have to smile and laugh in order to make a dollar to support my family when my man wants me around and do all of it just to see him and have money in our acct. and when i get there hes gone and "gone" and blaming it on contacts.
to put every other man aside and find the only one i want in my phone.
to love one man with all my heart and be accused of loving everyone else too much. what else can i do???? :'(
it doesnt matter what i do. it isnt going to be enough.
_________never enough_________
Monday, December 6, 2010
u did it once so this is for you really.
Gentlemen First Today:
Matt: My "first" boyfriend. (and later became "first" of another kind) But I always felt so pressured to do things I wasnt ready for... He scared me a lot when I was young. I wasnt half as strong as I am now. I definitely didn't know what it meant to say no (something i am still getting used to) During that time, I started cursing a lot. I didnt know how to be a girlfriend or what was expected of me. But I know that one day I saw the boy that made me know it was ok to end things. He said well when you break up with that guy, you give me a call. I found a reason to call...
Andrew: " My First Love" My teenage love who I fell so hard for because he made me love God. He changed my life and made me feel like I knew what true love was. I left all my friends to be his friend and he wasnt the greatest boyfriend in the world to me. We broke up shortly after. We became best friends. After a series of ups and downs, we became great friends again and still are today. Love is laughable. It is a joke now but really did teach me a few good things. especially bros before hoes. or sisters before misters. I learned young that boys come and go but your real dawgs they stay around through it all. oh Andrew, how things have changed.
Michael: bwahahahaha... a date gone wrong. He was a sweet sweet guy he night we met. After a few months we exchanged words on each others walls... and then here comes the message. "Hey, I know thats just how people talk but I would appreciate it if you dont call my boyfriend baby." your who????? hahaha. one date gone all wrong. we went to see a movie i had already seen but thought was great. and i guess me already seeing it was a key indicator for him to think it was time to make out. i was in for a long night. i made it through. like i always do.
Mike: the back and forth that never went anywhere. I cant even remember if we kissed. maybe once. Maybe never. I know there where some homecomings and some proms in there. I know there were a few trips to B.R. and even a trip to Laffy. So random. lol. It ended jus like it started. Random as shit. Picked up quickly and dropped off quickly. But lasted years in between. goodbye Mike... hello, the boy that hooked us up...
Ronnie: Oh what I wouldnt have done to be your girlfriend in 7th grade... 10th grade and oh yeah sophomore year of college (when we actually dated) hahahaha. if you can call it that. We broke up 6 days later for reasons im not sure were real given the aftermath. It all started with a kiss halfway on a sofa and halfway on the floor. and a week of essentially no talking afterwards. Well 4 years later we were knee deep in shit and fucking up everything around us. We are now best friends and we fit much better there. We just arent the type of people that really should try and be together. I love everyone and trust everyone and he likes to be alone and trusts those who give him reason to trust. We fight a lot. and make up a lot. It causes a lot of problems. But there is one thing missing that is the most important of it all. I wont say love bc we care about each other and truly love each other ( who wouldnt after 11 years) anyways... we are missing... it. it just isnt there. and therefore we will never be bc we cannot create it. it just doesnt belong there. it goes to where it fits in. and its a "missphit" here. like that. ph. the levels are jus off. ha. so onto the next one... and after a few in betweens the one and only...
Terence: see "Man of my Dreams" blog...
The Dark Ages:
John: Many nights during this time ended in breakfast late night. I guess because of my drug and alcohol intake during this period... I was more likely to take home dessert from the restaurants I frequented. After a few hours, a doorbell rang, a brief talk on the couch and about 3 mins, he was gone and I was in bed wondering how much longer the Dark Ages would be around. Crying on a friends shoulder as a came down from a high to a lower low than I choose to remember. Not too many late night breakfasts after that. i lost my appetite. for breakfast anyway...
Joe: I got hungry for wings. And of course buffalo zoos. they are called that for a reason. they turned my life into exactly that. one day after the darkest day of my life I had one too many zoos and took how dessert from my second restaurant. This time it agreed with my stomach for a while until I had enough and it began to make it hurt again. There were two little raisins in the dessert... i dont eat raisins. esp one that need raising. And didnt want to find number three far behind. He was a great guy to talk to until he didnt realize that sex was an option not a job. And when he worked his way in... i lost my footing and fell farther from reality that i had ever been. my world crumbled and i needed to be saved from myself. I thought i had never cried like when i got left until he didnt hear me say no that day. and as i winced in pain, I prayed for something more...
Ryan?: couldnt be the guy that was more bc all he ever wanted was to let me know that he wanted me and bad. He called and text. He was persistent. I will give him that. he was very good at trying. But never to a satisfying end on his part. Always led to being stood up and lonely waiting. He brought me smiles in a time when I didnt too much remember them. Than there was that one time he came to my house... we didnt go to far but he met all my friends. he was so drunk. another man on the list of mistakes. another time i wish i could erase. man, i miss pink erasers... they worked so fuckin well. not bein in school leads to a lack of school supplies... no erasers... so ryan is a part of that past. But my past got even darker and only for a minute...
Ashton: what a mistake that was. It felt so right only for a millisecond when I knew I was alone and this was my chance to make someone feel that way too. and then who i am sank in... it still gives me chills literally. man, i cant even talk about this. It was the biggest mistake of my life i would love to be five again. that dreaded six took me to another level of life i never wanted to reach. Fuck five bring me back to three... the years of innocence. enough said. goodbye. forever. from our hearts too. we made it.
you again...
id do it all again... if it would bring me here with you.
oh oh...
Hello Ladies:
Chei Chei: bitch, lmao. We fought. We fussed. She got her ass beat. You took her home to meet ur family. I was so jealous. lol. it was the first big blow out we ever really had. It was also the first time I told you I loved you too. I knew it then and i still know it now.
Dominique (part one): whats in a kiss? nothing... so i forgave you.
Jessica: my real problem was in Jessica. She wasnt like a dominique or a chei chei. she caught ur heart. from the time u kissed dominique u told me something in you had to have sex with you and you really wanted that. but jessica... it was love. It scared me. I hated her. she wasnt good enough for u. she didnt even give me the right oil change. You talked about her like she was me. u used dominique to make her jealous. you wanted to take care of her and you did. she took care of you. you went places together and she came home with you. your whole family knew. she was ur best friend. that was the killer. i was supposed to be the only girl that you loved romantically that doubled as ur best friend. grrrr...
Dominique (part two): the infamous torturous months we spent "apart." lol. we spent together in hotel rooms and in ur house when she was out of town. The times we went on dates to the movies... it was probably the best our relationship had ever been when you think about it bc it gave us the spark we needed. That mystery. but it was also the worst and what lead to the terrible dark ages for both of us. and only being together really pulled us out. thank you to this because we sure as fuck wouldnt be where we are now. We needed to learn what it meant to appreciate each other. and this made that a real possibility,
Jasmyn: ol skank ass bitch. lmfao. I dont like this girl. she is dumb and ugly. lol. we know that this situation hit me below the waist... literally, making me uncomfortable about our intimacy. but she is a thing in the past and so is the reason she arrived. he is gone. sorry baby... but move on. hes got all the woman he needs here.
so to sum all this up, when i think about our pasts, some would say yall need to quit bc there is "too much water under the bridge" but the beauty of our relationship through it all proved them wrong. It was that water that taught us how to float during the Dark Ages and swim together now. We have been through literally hell and high water. note literal hell. and i would not change a thing bc i will walk through anything, over anyone just to get to you. and these were just timy obstacles in the way of our dreams. i cant say it any better than this so imma let them say it.
God led me back to you. Remember that there is a past for a reason. but I have only chosen you for my future. No one will change that. :) I love you.
Matt: My "first" boyfriend. (and later became "first" of another kind) But I always felt so pressured to do things I wasnt ready for... He scared me a lot when I was young. I wasnt half as strong as I am now. I definitely didn't know what it meant to say no (something i am still getting used to) During that time, I started cursing a lot. I didnt know how to be a girlfriend or what was expected of me. But I know that one day I saw the boy that made me know it was ok to end things. He said well when you break up with that guy, you give me a call. I found a reason to call...
Andrew: " My First Love" My teenage love who I fell so hard for because he made me love God. He changed my life and made me feel like I knew what true love was. I left all my friends to be his friend and he wasnt the greatest boyfriend in the world to me. We broke up shortly after. We became best friends. After a series of ups and downs, we became great friends again and still are today. Love is laughable. It is a joke now but really did teach me a few good things. especially bros before hoes. or sisters before misters. I learned young that boys come and go but your real dawgs they stay around through it all. oh Andrew, how things have changed.
Michael: bwahahahaha... a date gone wrong. He was a sweet sweet guy he night we met. After a few months we exchanged words on each others walls... and then here comes the message. "Hey, I know thats just how people talk but I would appreciate it if you dont call my boyfriend baby." your who????? hahaha. one date gone all wrong. we went to see a movie i had already seen but thought was great. and i guess me already seeing it was a key indicator for him to think it was time to make out. i was in for a long night. i made it through. like i always do.
Mike: the back and forth that never went anywhere. I cant even remember if we kissed. maybe once. Maybe never. I know there where some homecomings and some proms in there. I know there were a few trips to B.R. and even a trip to Laffy. So random. lol. It ended jus like it started. Random as shit. Picked up quickly and dropped off quickly. But lasted years in between. goodbye Mike... hello, the boy that hooked us up...
Ronnie: Oh what I wouldnt have done to be your girlfriend in 7th grade... 10th grade and oh yeah sophomore year of college (when we actually dated) hahahaha. if you can call it that. We broke up 6 days later for reasons im not sure were real given the aftermath. It all started with a kiss halfway on a sofa and halfway on the floor. and a week of essentially no talking afterwards. Well 4 years later we were knee deep in shit and fucking up everything around us. We are now best friends and we fit much better there. We just arent the type of people that really should try and be together. I love everyone and trust everyone and he likes to be alone and trusts those who give him reason to trust. We fight a lot. and make up a lot. It causes a lot of problems. But there is one thing missing that is the most important of it all. I wont say love bc we care about each other and truly love each other ( who wouldnt after 11 years) anyways... we are missing... it. it just isnt there. and therefore we will never be bc we cannot create it. it just doesnt belong there. it goes to where it fits in. and its a "missphit" here. like that. ph. the levels are jus off. ha. so onto the next one... and after a few in betweens the one and only...
Terence: see "Man of my Dreams" blog...
The Dark Ages:
John: Many nights during this time ended in breakfast late night. I guess because of my drug and alcohol intake during this period... I was more likely to take home dessert from the restaurants I frequented. After a few hours, a doorbell rang, a brief talk on the couch and about 3 mins, he was gone and I was in bed wondering how much longer the Dark Ages would be around. Crying on a friends shoulder as a came down from a high to a lower low than I choose to remember. Not too many late night breakfasts after that. i lost my appetite. for breakfast anyway...
Joe: I got hungry for wings. And of course buffalo zoos. they are called that for a reason. they turned my life into exactly that. one day after the darkest day of my life I had one too many zoos and took how dessert from my second restaurant. This time it agreed with my stomach for a while until I had enough and it began to make it hurt again. There were two little raisins in the dessert... i dont eat raisins. esp one that need raising. And didnt want to find number three far behind. He was a great guy to talk to until he didnt realize that sex was an option not a job. And when he worked his way in... i lost my footing and fell farther from reality that i had ever been. my world crumbled and i needed to be saved from myself. I thought i had never cried like when i got left until he didnt hear me say no that day. and as i winced in pain, I prayed for something more...
Ryan?: couldnt be the guy that was more bc all he ever wanted was to let me know that he wanted me and bad. He called and text. He was persistent. I will give him that. he was very good at trying. But never to a satisfying end on his part. Always led to being stood up and lonely waiting. He brought me smiles in a time when I didnt too much remember them. Than there was that one time he came to my house... we didnt go to far but he met all my friends. he was so drunk. another man on the list of mistakes. another time i wish i could erase. man, i miss pink erasers... they worked so fuckin well. not bein in school leads to a lack of school supplies... no erasers... so ryan is a part of that past. But my past got even darker and only for a minute...
Ashton: what a mistake that was. It felt so right only for a millisecond when I knew I was alone and this was my chance to make someone feel that way too. and then who i am sank in... it still gives me chills literally. man, i cant even talk about this. It was the biggest mistake of my life i would love to be five again. that dreaded six took me to another level of life i never wanted to reach. Fuck five bring me back to three... the years of innocence. enough said. goodbye. forever. from our hearts too. we made it.
you again...
id do it all again... if it would bring me here with you.
oh oh...
Hello Ladies:
Chei Chei: bitch, lmao. We fought. We fussed. She got her ass beat. You took her home to meet ur family. I was so jealous. lol. it was the first big blow out we ever really had. It was also the first time I told you I loved you too. I knew it then and i still know it now.
Dominique (part one): whats in a kiss? nothing... so i forgave you.
Jessica: my real problem was in Jessica. She wasnt like a dominique or a chei chei. she caught ur heart. from the time u kissed dominique u told me something in you had to have sex with you and you really wanted that. but jessica... it was love. It scared me. I hated her. she wasnt good enough for u. she didnt even give me the right oil change. You talked about her like she was me. u used dominique to make her jealous. you wanted to take care of her and you did. she took care of you. you went places together and she came home with you. your whole family knew. she was ur best friend. that was the killer. i was supposed to be the only girl that you loved romantically that doubled as ur best friend. grrrr...
Dominique (part two): the infamous torturous months we spent "apart." lol. we spent together in hotel rooms and in ur house when she was out of town. The times we went on dates to the movies... it was probably the best our relationship had ever been when you think about it bc it gave us the spark we needed. That mystery. but it was also the worst and what lead to the terrible dark ages for both of us. and only being together really pulled us out. thank you to this because we sure as fuck wouldnt be where we are now. We needed to learn what it meant to appreciate each other. and this made that a real possibility,
Jasmyn: ol skank ass bitch. lmfao. I dont like this girl. she is dumb and ugly. lol. we know that this situation hit me below the waist... literally, making me uncomfortable about our intimacy. but she is a thing in the past and so is the reason she arrived. he is gone. sorry baby... but move on. hes got all the woman he needs here.
so to sum all this up, when i think about our pasts, some would say yall need to quit bc there is "too much water under the bridge" but the beauty of our relationship through it all proved them wrong. It was that water that taught us how to float during the Dark Ages and swim together now. We have been through literally hell and high water. note literal hell. and i would not change a thing bc i will walk through anything, over anyone just to get to you. and these were just timy obstacles in the way of our dreams. i cant say it any better than this so imma let them say it.
God led me back to you. Remember that there is a past for a reason. but I have only chosen you for my future. No one will change that. :) I love you.
Diary?
People say the darndest things... dont you think that if you didnt want people to see it you would write it in your diary... just saying.
speaking of diaries...
im losing weight. faster than i expected. I am excited. and nervous.
my grannies dying. :( thats never good.
Im afraid about not going back to school.
Im never afraid. haha. I have truly become fearless. does that make me a liar?
I dont lie. to you. ever. :)
Im working alot but I am beginning to like my job thanks to God.
I am losing my jealous tendencies.
I am very happy with my life right now.
truthfully, i changed my life around... i did what i had to do in order to be happy.
Thank you.
speaking of diaries...
im losing weight. faster than i expected. I am excited. and nervous.
my grannies dying. :( thats never good.
Im afraid about not going back to school.
Im never afraid. haha. I have truly become fearless. does that make me a liar?
I dont lie. to you. ever. :)
Im working alot but I am beginning to like my job thanks to God.
I am losing my jealous tendencies.
I am very happy with my life right now.
truthfully, i changed my life around... i did what i had to do in order to be happy.
Thank you.
Man of my Dreams
I feel like a lot of people in life expect you to settle for less than what you dreamed of as a child. I think most people go for what works ok or the best of the worst. I often think if there is the possibility of everyone in the world actually being happy. No one settling but instead searching for the right man/woman and falling in love and fighting for it to work through all ends. I cannot vouch for the rest of the world but I know I am happy. I was thinking the other day about the man that I would have dreamt about… the man I wanted to be my husband, the father of my kids, and my best friend for the rest of my life. I would want him to be funny, caring, compassionate, loving, intense, dedicated, loyal, smart, strong, have the qualities that my own father has. I always knew that I would marry a man that was just like my own pop… as he is my hero and my love. I have grown close to my dad in a way most young boys and girls can only dream of. He is my best friend and when my own children grow up, I want them to be able to say the same thing. I am sure they will be able to do that now. It is amazing that I have met you. You are the man of my dreams. People all around me have been saying you cant have it all so u go for what is the most. But you are my everything. You fill me where I am empty. The parts of me that im too scared no one will want… u not only love them, you make me want to show everyone. You love me so different than anyone I have ever met. Well this is to you…
The other night whenever you told me that you wanted to be engaged by next year, I wanted nothing more than to say yes right then. I am so anxious about being your wife my eyes are welling up with tears. You will be the best husband. No matter what you still love me. And I hope I have made it clear to you that no matter what I will still love you. You are not 60% of the man I want and I have learned to love the other 40%. You are not 90% of the man of my dreams and im dealing with the other 10%. You are everything 100% of the man God has created for me… and I thank you for finding me.
Once during the dark ages, I read u wrote on a napkin… “what do you love about me” the response was your smile and everything about you. How can you love “everything” about someone you don’t fully know? I love you for watching anime. I love you for trying to take me to a gaming store on a date. I love you for holding me when you know I need to be held even when I pretend to be strong. I love you for asking whats wrong when im smiling bc you know inside something has made me sad. I love you for being different. I love you so much for that. I love that you don’t know what day it is sometimes. I love ur look of confusion when I go to fast. I love that when everyone around u loves the raiders, u love the saints. And while they bump drake and wayne, u bump cudi. I love that smoking was easily for recreation for me. I love that you are so hopeful even when you don’t realize it. Your favorite sentence is “I got you bae.” I love that you have always got me. I love that you are becoming more trusting even though you think I don’t notice. I love your eyes and I love how intense they are when they look at me. I love your intensity… too much to express. Your intensity behind your writing, your drawings, but most of all your love for me. It is never too much. It is what keeps me warm when the world is cold. Thank you. So Much. I love the thought of you looking at me when I wake up. It never fails that when I open my eyes yours are looking at me smiling. I love that smile… its so big and happy. You have a smile that makes my troubles melt. Like you really know that it is going to be ok when you smile. Like whatever made u that happy is bigger than every issue. I love that everytime I pick up ur phone, I see myself in the background. I love when you smack my thighs and tell me how sexy I am. I love the idea of waking up with you. FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
I don’t know what you are getting my for Christmas but being back with you for 6 months and knowing that my love for u only grows stronger by the day is enough of a gift for me to live off of. I love you for supporting me even when I see that I haven’t given you every reason. You know me better than I know myself. But most importantly, thank you for being yourself with me. Because after peeling back layers and layers of damage from you and your life… I found the most precious diamond. One I will hold onto forever. Thank you baby for being comfortable and letting me love you for who you are… the man of my dreams.
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