Sunshine in the Darkest of Places.

The truth is I dont think that this will ever happen again. And I have truly come to a point in my life when I finally realized that what happened has happened and what we are is all about our beautiful future. My heart longs for you in ways i do not understand. Like i told you before... I do not even care to know anymore bc i know that where we are and where we are going our wicked past cannot affect our beautiful present and future. there have been many blogs and talks like this one but something about this is different.

Truthfully, its in everything. its in the way we touch now. every single touch is a caress. in the way me have sex. never really fucking anymore but always making love. its in the way u look at me and how we cant get enough. its in ur anger when im busy. its in ur sadness when we have to say goodbye. it is in the kiss you give me in the morning when i cant remember my dreams but i remember the sweetest kiss when I wake up. Its about not having a phone for two days and not caring. Its about three games of putt putt and half a hot dog. most of all, its in the sun, the moon, and the stars. they all turn and no matter how many times the day comes in and goes out, no matter how many times i look up at a starry sky, no matter how many times i look to the man in the moon... i know one thing for sure... it will keep moving. and i know that no matter what time of day it is or what part of the day it is or how many days go by... i know that my love for you will never end just as long as the days never stop. and even when they do... my love for u will continue. It was a gift. It is the most beautiful gift I have ever received.

I do not think it is possible to say to you how i feel. I have tried many times, but i never felt so bonded with anyone as i do when u just wink at me. I know i hardly spoke today when you did this but when we were playing and you just put ur hat on me. it just felt so good. I am not only your girl, i am your woman. When we made our bucket list, the only thing i really wanted to write was to live in a world that guarantees that at the end of every night, i am in your arms.

you bring me the sweetest joy. one i cannot even explain or begin to comprehend. my world is yours. n it doesnt seem complete on days when I dont get to share it with you. there is one thing I know. U are my sunshine. It is so much more than being the other half of you. Its about rising to you in the morning. about the first thought in my head is thanking God for ur existence and praising Him for letting is make it through times i didnt know that we would. Its about the times my sky is gray. I am broken, broke, lost, and unsure about everything that matters... and ur voice brings those beautiful rays. I know it just seemed so simple to you. it is my light in a world that was swallowed by darkness. when all i could do was cry, u brought me peace. you are my happiness and my sun.

I know this is long as shit but this trip was amazing. Literally accounting for some of the best days of my whole life. A make up weekend that overflowed with love. Nothing and no one will ever take you from me. I would rather go blind... than to watch you walk away from me. I love you.

Life as I knew it.

I thought when i sat down I would just know what to say or how to explain how i feel. I do not know why this dark past follows me or why I allow it to upset me so much. Like fuck man, of all places. And i hate that i get so mad at him. Like it was a dumb mistake in our pasts. But why the fuck cant that huge mistake just leave us alone.

Oh well, why break routines bc of new friends. I will still visit kimmy and I will still enjoy my life. The real question is will i do it alone or with somebody.

I have not known heartbreak like last night in 4 months. I had finally found peace in something.In him. And Him. I woke up with a feeling of complete misery. Nothing felt right. Maybe I should make the decision to never let anyone have that power over me to make me feel that way. Maybe I should just not love anymore. Giving all of yourself to someone can be the most rewarding feeling. It can make everything worth it. Make you feel like the bullshit in the past was just to bring you here... together and closer than ever. make being raped, stalked, hated all ok for the cause.

but...

what if you are the only one fighting for the cause. What if the cause you are fighting for is corrupt. What if someones sweet pussy just happens to be better. God, i have devoted myself to u on and off - without ever falling completely off - for years. I have come to you many times in thanks for this same man. I am asking you now to help me do what is best for everyone involved. I do not know how to feel anything. I woke up numb. I will go to sleep numb. I have no desire to eat or frankly breathe right now. I have a headache from beating myself in the head. I need help. Help that only you can provide for me. I was looking to the wrong person to hold me up. I was looking to a mere HUMAN with HUMAN weakness and HUMAN emotions. I love like something unknown. never leaking the secrets of passion to any other person. They were ours. I am dead. But the the thing that sucks more than everything else. is that i know in my mind im wrong. but i would rather be dead with him than alive without him. just kill me.

missing you.

I really thought that these two weeks would be easier. But i was wrong. They are almost worse bc I have such strong memories of just a few days ago when we were together. I wish I was there with you. I wish we were drinking and gambling and holding hands. And i wish when i leaned back my body didnt find a chair back but instead your body. and then you would look down at me and we would kiss. Like always. Im glad you have music. I dont even have that. I miss you. too much. I cant wait til you move to new orleans and we get to restart our life together in our own place. I am so happy with you.

I have been so aggravated lately with all the bullshit that has been going on. and i have held my tongue. and today i decided i wouldnt anymore... and then, i thought about you. I thought about how your mom looked at me when she had a talk with me in the kitchen. I thought about how she kissed me on my cheek and asked me seriously, "do you want to be my daughter?" Why would I fuck something like that up? over shit that doesnt matter. I just thank God that he allowed us both to be strong enough to get back here through all the bullshit. It wasnt exactly the easiest of roads. But I was not innocent completely either. My heart is... completely invested in you now. and i realize now that we needed something to break us just to know that now, now we will never be broken again.

You are my man, my fiance, my husband to be. I cannot wait until I am walking down the aisle and i see u smiling that beautiful smile at the end. and eventually we have babies and raise a beautiful family. you have no idea how much i think about how far you have come. i want you to kno i think about these things every single day:

- you are sober. by choice. that is absoltely amazing. you didnt quit for me. you quit for you to be a better man for me. your cravings have almost completely disappeared. I am so proud of you.

-you got a raise in a freaking week. lol. you are the hardest worker. you have not skipped days to do things you have no business doing. even if we havent talked all day, you get off the phone at 930 to be well rested for work. I am so proud of you.

-you love me more than you ever have in the past. I cannot wait til you come in town. I love you so much. and i thrive off of the love you show me. it is my fuel to keep going. thank you baby.

the point is. i miss u. and thank you. for everything.

truthfully, if we never went through that wicked past, i would have never talked john, joe, or the other persoon i came into cahoots with (ewwww). and who knows... where i was when we broke up. i was not even who i am now so maybe it was completely necessary. or maybe i would have gone crazy and hurt you even more than I did already. I hope im wrong but the truth is... whatever the reason, im glad it all happened bc it all led me back to u. one last thought on this note, what if joe hadnt forced himself on me. I wouldve never called. all things pointed back to u. always have and always will. you will always be my protector. and i cant wait until u are the protector for not only me, but for our family.

ahhhhhh...

written before i left...
I am so overwhelmed with excitement about tomorrow. I have really grown to understand more even how i feel more in this last week.

God, you have blessed me with the most beautiful patience this week. I didnt think that it was possible to come into myself even more than I already had. I am at peace again. I have ost a lil weight and realize im just in the beginning. I have allowed myself to really come to u in a way I need to in order to get through the problems I am going through. I hate this stuff with my sister.