missing you.

I really thought that these two weeks would be easier. But i was wrong. They are almost worse bc I have such strong memories of just a few days ago when we were together. I wish I was there with you. I wish we were drinking and gambling and holding hands. And i wish when i leaned back my body didnt find a chair back but instead your body. and then you would look down at me and we would kiss. Like always. Im glad you have music. I dont even have that. I miss you. too much. I cant wait til you move to new orleans and we get to restart our life together in our own place. I am so happy with you.

I have been so aggravated lately with all the bullshit that has been going on. and i have held my tongue. and today i decided i wouldnt anymore... and then, i thought about you. I thought about how your mom looked at me when she had a talk with me in the kitchen. I thought about how she kissed me on my cheek and asked me seriously, "do you want to be my daughter?" Why would I fuck something like that up? over shit that doesnt matter. I just thank God that he allowed us both to be strong enough to get back here through all the bullshit. It wasnt exactly the easiest of roads. But I was not innocent completely either. My heart is... completely invested in you now. and i realize now that we needed something to break us just to know that now, now we will never be broken again.

You are my man, my fiance, my husband to be. I cannot wait until I am walking down the aisle and i see u smiling that beautiful smile at the end. and eventually we have babies and raise a beautiful family. you have no idea how much i think about how far you have come. i want you to kno i think about these things every single day:

- you are sober. by choice. that is absoltely amazing. you didnt quit for me. you quit for you to be a better man for me. your cravings have almost completely disappeared. I am so proud of you.

-you got a raise in a freaking week. lol. you are the hardest worker. you have not skipped days to do things you have no business doing. even if we havent talked all day, you get off the phone at 930 to be well rested for work. I am so proud of you.

-you love me more than you ever have in the past. I cannot wait til you come in town. I love you so much. and i thrive off of the love you show me. it is my fuel to keep going. thank you baby.

the point is. i miss u. and thank you. for everything.

truthfully, if we never went through that wicked past, i would have never talked john, joe, or the other persoon i came into cahoots with (ewwww). and who knows... where i was when we broke up. i was not even who i am now so maybe it was completely necessary. or maybe i would have gone crazy and hurt you even more than I did already. I hope im wrong but the truth is... whatever the reason, im glad it all happened bc it all led me back to u. one last thought on this note, what if joe hadnt forced himself on me. I wouldve never called. all things pointed back to u. always have and always will. you will always be my protector. and i cant wait until u are the protector for not only me, but for our family.