Life as I knew it.

I thought when i sat down I would just know what to say or how to explain how i feel. I do not know why this dark past follows me or why I allow it to upset me so much. Like fuck man, of all places. And i hate that i get so mad at him. Like it was a dumb mistake in our pasts. But why the fuck cant that huge mistake just leave us alone.

Oh well, why break routines bc of new friends. I will still visit kimmy and I will still enjoy my life. The real question is will i do it alone or with somebody.

I have not known heartbreak like last night in 4 months. I had finally found peace in something.In him. And Him. I woke up with a feeling of complete misery. Nothing felt right. Maybe I should make the decision to never let anyone have that power over me to make me feel that way. Maybe I should just not love anymore. Giving all of yourself to someone can be the most rewarding feeling. It can make everything worth it. Make you feel like the bullshit in the past was just to bring you here... together and closer than ever. make being raped, stalked, hated all ok for the cause.

but...

what if you are the only one fighting for the cause. What if the cause you are fighting for is corrupt. What if someones sweet pussy just happens to be better. God, i have devoted myself to u on and off - without ever falling completely off - for years. I have come to you many times in thanks for this same man. I am asking you now to help me do what is best for everyone involved. I do not know how to feel anything. I woke up numb. I will go to sleep numb. I have no desire to eat or frankly breathe right now. I have a headache from beating myself in the head. I need help. Help that only you can provide for me. I was looking to the wrong person to hold me up. I was looking to a mere HUMAN with HUMAN weakness and HUMAN emotions. I love like something unknown. never leaking the secrets of passion to any other person. They were ours. I am dead. But the the thing that sucks more than everything else. is that i know in my mind im wrong. but i would rather be dead with him than alive without him. just kill me.