HHHB

I think that i spend so much time loving because for so much of my life I have longed for someone to love me back. Ad i love so hard because I try ad give every single person every single piece of me so that they will realize how much i have to offer ad want nothing more than to love me back. ad they will see how dedicated I am and want someone to feel that way about them o they will love me back.

I failed. almost every time.

I have not done good with this whole lose my best friend thing. At first what hurt the mot was that he had replaced me for another girl. And it def seemed as if maybe that was because of romance. But the truth is that i felt like the toke girl i his life. Just there to say you have one and then a soon as he found someone who was better at life and pleasing him than i was... i was gone. And that loss of that friendship burned me to my core. One day I cried and I asked my mom... "Why do I make it so easy to walk away from me?" I saw in her face that she was heartbroken to hear her daughter believe that about herself. But it was truly how i felt. I had hurt my mom so many times because of him. On Thanksgiving, it was more obvious. She asked me to leave him alone. She said i deserved better. I wish i listened... what came the following days would be the reason my heart is still aching. damn. guess mom does know best. but mom, why does it hurt so bad? why cant she tell me that...

next... i don't have enough. How did this happen to me??? how did i go from not ever being enough to being to much. and whatever way i am on the spectrum... it all hurts. and i'm alone. I wish that i could just be different. be like them. I wish when i opened the message the very instant i read it through a tear didn't fall. And with every word sent and received after had the same effect. And then when I said it out loud i lot control. And let loose of all the pain that has plagued me lately... the pain that has come with the responses no... every time i hope to hold your hand.

Well there goes my dreams as I had planned. My husband and best man gone... all at once. That's how things have always happened tho. hen it rains it pours. Maybe I am not perfect. But i know that I'm good. And i have allowed that perception of myself change due to the words above... but I'm trying to fix that.

It just becomes so clear some days... its not just the 2 classic people that make my heart sad. its her. Its the fact that I did more for you than anyone else ever has. My family took you in... And I would still do more for you than anyone that is your friend. And I still offer to be there for you. Why cant you love me? What did I do? I loved you like my sister. And the pain I feel when I see you and know i do not know anything about you because you told me. How can I be in the same room with you and we barely speak. You were my everything. Why are you gone? I cant ever talk about it. It hurts. Bad. So i pretend like it doesn't hurt at all. And i barely notice that we were ever friends... but i remember and if i ever forget seeing you every time reminds me.

Anyway... I am happy for moments passed and long for present moments. But i KNOW that moments in my future will lack this loneliness and this longing. Just praying that I get to those moments... and strength for the pain now.

HH<3Broken...