Dreams:
The dreams that are to die for... literally.
1. God picks me up from my bed as I sit on his knee like a child in the lap of her father and is not familiar with her surroundings. (Its the feeling that no one can explain. that feeling of safety when sitting in parents bed but extreme fear just seconds before when laying alone in your own. Why do we think that whatever was out to get us cant reach us when in a certain spot? Are we so high that we cant be touched. It is the true mystery of protection. At what point do you begin to feel so comfortable that you actually feel protected?) And i hold my knees to my chest. and I sit and watch the war go on underneath me... underneath what looks like a glass covering. All at once all the soldiers in black are running and ready to fight and soon after so are the soldiers in white. As they march to the center of their battle grounds... they fight an epic battle. I hold myself tighter bc i do not understand. I look up at God and asked him, why are they fighting? "My child, this is the battle of good versus evil. They are fighting to win you." I knew I was dead. But I was comforted in the feeling of the peace I had in my brown sleep pants on his knee. I was ready to say goodbye to this evil world. Goodbye heartbreak, goodbye world, goodbye my loves... I will see you on the other side. When he looks at me and says "Wake up. And you choose who wins this war." I think I killed an angel.
2. "Can I say it please Mrs. Cynthia? I dont know what else to say besides he told me things to tell you if he died. Let me tell you." "Yes baby... you can do the eulogy." ... enough said.
3. "you can talk to him now... he is in a better place." ... enough said.
4. I am dead. I want to wake up and talk to u. I want so bad to stop you from crying and holding my lifeless body in the hotel room that we slept in to hide from ur "love." (Fuck that ring. lol. even in my dream I thought about the ring. "it doesnt mean anything." lol. really? because what it means to me is the only thing I cant have. The ring. It means that while you hold on to that one so tightly... i look at my finger and remember
the long nights and the car ride home when you told me that you picked out mine. A ring. The ultimate symbol of love and devotion. The thing I always waited for. the thing you wear of hers. Well thats ok. For a little while... when that ring was on the ground it felt like life had gone back to normal. We held hands, we walked together, we cried together, you saved me from having to go to the hospital. For one night, we went into a time machine and experience glory as I screamed to God in my bed for more reasons than one.) ... but when u hugged my dead body you asked me what I did wrong. Y i did this? What did I do?I woke up... shaking uncontrollably... and turned to tell you that I was alive... but u were already gone for work. Goodbye.
"This isnt a dictatorship... yes it is. I got the dick and you are the taker so I make all the rules." I know a few things in life are true. T and E got it right. Move forward before you have time to look behind.
The way life moves is like a car accident. If you see that the car is coming and your body tenses up then it is always worse. If you relax and don't see what is coming then your muscles don't tense and the damage is lessened. So when I didnt see it coming the first time I walked away and I moved on. But this time I saw it... i clenched my muscles for dear life and I prayed that somehow the car would move... vanish and move like a piece of paper floating on the highway. It gives you a scare but the damage is harmless. It was an 18 wheeler. And I was rushed to the hospital. I was in a coma for a month. At some points even flat lining in between and accepting my fate to meet whoever was on the other side of this cruel world. But I was born a fighter... or someone who was born a fighter taught me how to be one... and I would not lay down and die.
Life is unfair... but who said it wasnt supposed to be. No one likes that I killed an angel... but does that mean that it is too late to save a life? perhaps my own...
High:
HappYness. It is nothing that makes sense but it is everything that you feel when you leave this earth and float on to a place where mute and laps are what matters. When you close your eyes, tears do not want to fall. They are gone. "why do you want to buy that? you can smoke mine" protection. That is what is feels like. I found it again. Outside of your arms. Inside of... my life. While we sit and feel bad for poor souls in purgatory who pray to not be stuck in the middle we choose that same life for ourselves. To sit... stuck in the middle of living and dying doing nothing but hurting people and waiting on someone else to pull you out. "SHE said I gotta do it alone." whoever said God was a man? Life isnt about fitting in where you can, but standing out everywhere. being above and better than ... u.
When you are out of your body you see that you have the strength to be everything and everyone. I am the bitch that is high because you have chosen to be low. Hold on to someone else... bc O.K. made me let you go. Goodbye... R.I.P. you wont be missed.
A few quotes that help me remember WHO i am... WHY i am... and WHERE i am going.
"Here is to the most hideous 'masterpiece'... me and u. the ugliest (most tragic) ending but the most amazing piece of art ever created."
"Dont lose your peace over him. love you.
What peace do I have?"
"He didnt just leave me... he left me for another woman. Like that makes me feel so inadequate. Like what kinda woman am I that a man has to leave me after a yr of me giving him my all to be happy... i couldnt even make him love me after giving everything I've got.
Fucc that shit u should never feel that way"
So I am have been in the hospital for a long while because of that terrible wreck but I was released today. No more hospital bills... unless... anyways... no more "nurse" goodbye hospital... u will no longer be needed. I have mended my broken heart. Hello world... Im back.
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