u did it once so this is for you really.

Gentlemen First Today:

Matt: My "first" boyfriend. (and later became "first" of another kind) But I always felt so pressured to do things I wasnt ready for... He scared me a lot when I was young. I wasnt half as strong as I am now. I definitely didn't know what it meant to say no (something i am still getting used to) During that time, I started cursing a lot. I didnt know how to be a girlfriend or what was expected of me. But I know that one day I saw the boy that made me know it was ok to end things. He said well when you break up with that guy, you give me a call. I found a reason to call...

Andrew: " My First Love" My teenage love who I fell so hard for because he made me love God. He changed my life and made me feel like I knew what true love was. I left all my friends to be his friend and he wasnt the greatest boyfriend in the world to me. We broke up shortly after. We became best friends. After a series of ups and downs, we became great friends again and still are today.  Love is laughable. It is a joke now but really did teach me a few good things. especially bros before hoes. or sisters before misters. I learned young that boys come and go but your real dawgs they stay around through it all. oh Andrew, how things have changed.

Michael: bwahahahaha... a date gone wrong. He was a sweet sweet guy he night we met. After a few months we exchanged words on each others walls... and then here comes the message. "Hey, I know thats just how people talk but I would appreciate it if you dont call my boyfriend baby." your who????? hahaha. one date gone all wrong. we went to see a movie i had already seen but thought was great. and i guess me already seeing it was a key indicator for him to think it was time to make out. i was in for a long night. i made it through. like i always do.

Mike: the back and forth that never went anywhere. I cant even remember if we kissed. maybe once. Maybe never. I know there where some homecomings and some proms in there. I know there were a few trips to B.R. and even a trip to Laffy. So random. lol. It ended jus like it started. Random as shit. Picked up quickly and dropped off quickly. But lasted years in between. goodbye Mike... hello, the boy that hooked us up...

Ronnie: Oh what I wouldnt have done to be your girlfriend in 7th grade... 10th grade and oh yeah sophomore year of college (when we actually dated) hahahaha. if you can call it that. We broke up 6 days later for reasons im not sure were real given the aftermath. It all started with a kiss halfway on a sofa and halfway on the floor. and a week of essentially no talking afterwards. Well 4 years later we were knee deep in shit and fucking up everything around us. We are now best friends and we fit much better there. We just arent the type of people that really should try and be together. I love everyone and trust everyone and he likes to be alone and trusts those who give him reason to trust. We fight a lot. and make up a lot. It causes a lot of problems. But there is one thing missing that is the most important of it all. I wont say love bc we care about each other and truly love each other ( who wouldnt after 11 years) anyways... we are missing... it. it just isnt there. and therefore we will never be bc we cannot create it. it just doesnt belong there. it goes to where it fits in. and its a "missphit" here. like that. ph. the levels are jus off. ha. so onto the next one... and after a few in betweens the one and only...

Terence: see "Man of my Dreams" blog...

The Dark Ages:

John: Many nights during this time ended in breakfast late night. I guess because of my drug and alcohol intake during this period... I was more likely to take home dessert from the restaurants I frequented. After a few hours, a doorbell rang, a brief talk on the couch and about 3 mins, he was gone and I was in bed wondering how much longer the Dark Ages would be around. Crying on a friends shoulder as a came down from a high to a lower low than I choose to remember. Not too many late night breakfasts after that. i lost my appetite. for breakfast anyway...

Joe:  I got hungry for wings. And of course buffalo zoos. they are called that for a reason. they turned my life into exactly that. one day after the darkest day of my life I had one too many zoos and took how dessert from my second restaurant. This time it agreed with my stomach for a while until I had enough and it began to make it hurt again. There were two little raisins in the dessert... i dont eat raisins. esp one that need raising. And didnt want to find number three far behind. He was a great guy to talk to until he didnt realize that sex was an option not a job. And when he worked his way in... i lost my footing and fell farther from reality that i had ever been. my world crumbled and i needed to be saved from myself. I thought i had never cried like when i got left until he didnt hear me say no that day. and as i winced in pain, I prayed for something more...

Ryan?: couldnt be the guy that was more bc all he ever wanted was to let me know that he wanted me and bad. He called and text. He was persistent. I will give him that. he was very good at trying. But never to a satisfying end on his part. Always led to being stood up and lonely waiting. He brought me smiles in a time when I didnt too much remember them. Than there was that one time he came to my house... we didnt go to far but he met all my friends. he was so drunk. another man on the list of mistakes. another time i wish i could erase. man, i miss pink erasers... they worked so fuckin well. not bein in school leads to a lack of school supplies... no erasers... so ryan is a part of that past. But my past got even darker and only for a minute...

Ashton: what a mistake that was. It felt so right only for a millisecond when I knew I was alone and this was my chance to make someone feel that way too. and then who i am sank in... it still gives me chills literally. man, i cant even talk about this. It was the biggest mistake of my life i would love to be five again. that dreaded six took me to another level of life i never wanted to reach. Fuck five bring me back to three... the years of innocence. enough said. goodbye. forever. from our hearts too. we made it.

you again...


id do it all again... if it would bring me here with you.

oh oh...

Hello Ladies:
Chei Chei: bitch, lmao. We fought. We fussed. She got her ass beat. You took her home to meet ur family. I was so jealous. lol. it was the first big blow out we ever really had. It was also the first time I told you I loved you too. I knew it then and i still know it now.

Dominique (part one): whats in a kiss? nothing... so i forgave you.

Jessica: my real problem was in Jessica. She wasnt like a dominique or a chei chei. she caught ur heart. from the time u kissed dominique u told me something in you had to have sex with you and you really wanted that. but jessica... it was love. It scared me. I hated her. she wasnt good enough for u. she didnt even give me the right oil change. You talked about her like she was me. u used dominique to make her jealous. you wanted to take care of her and you did. she took care of you. you went places together and she came home with you. your whole family knew. she was ur best friend. that was the killer. i was supposed to be the only girl that you loved romantically that doubled as ur best friend. grrrr...

Dominique (part two): the infamous torturous months we spent "apart." lol. we spent together in hotel rooms and in ur house when she was out of town. The times we went on dates to the movies... it was probably the best our relationship had ever been when you think about it bc it gave us the spark we needed. That mystery. but it was also the worst and what lead to the terrible dark ages for both of us. and only being together really pulled us out. thank you to this because we sure as fuck wouldnt be where we are now. We needed to learn what it meant to appreciate each other. and this made that a real possibility,

Jasmyn: ol skank ass bitch. lmfao. I dont like this girl. she is dumb and ugly. lol. we know that this situation hit me below the waist... literally, making me uncomfortable about our intimacy. but she is a thing in the past and so is the reason she arrived. he is gone. sorry baby... but move on. hes got all the woman he needs here.

so to sum all this up, when i think about our pasts, some would say yall need to quit bc there is "too much water under the bridge" but the beauty of our relationship through it all proved them wrong. It was that water that taught us how to float during the Dark Ages and swim together now. We have been through literally hell and high water. note literal hell. and i would not change a thing bc i will walk through anything, over anyone just to get to you. and these were just timy obstacles in the way of our dreams. i cant say it any better than this so imma let them say it.



God led me back to you. Remember that there is a past for a reason. but I have only chosen you for my future. No one will change that. :) I love you.